Sunday, February 17, 2013

I'm watching the taped show of "Survivor". I've always liked these types of shows, because I feel like I'm a survivor. If the layers of ailments were taken from my body, I believe you'd find someone strong inside, both physically and emotionally. My body continues to betray the inner me though and doesn't allow that girl to come out. I wish I could peel away the pain, stiffness and fatigue to see the real me.

They're having their first immunity challenge in this new season of Survivor. As each team races through it, I envision myself as one of them. I really can see my inner self competing in these challenges and doing well. I think being able to see myself that way, though my body shows something totally different, is what gets me out of bed each day...that and it being too painful to stay in it. :-) There's still a part of me that believes the real me will gain control again someday.

At the end of each episode of Survivor, someone is voted out. I am a survivor of fibromyaliga, and each morning that I rise from my bed, I have voted to keep myself in the game of life. My daily immunity challenge is to not give up, and to keep doing what I need to do to live life to the fullest. While still being considerate of my limitations, I make plans and follow through on them. When each day is done, I don't go to bed regretting that I pushed myself past the pain and fatigue. Continuing to live with the living is what keeps my hopes and dreams alive for a better next day. Maybe it will be then that Team Peggy will win in the game of life over Team Fibromyalgia, and then become the real me again. :-)

Friday, February 8, 2013

Emotional Funk

It's been a rough week emotionally. The anniversary of my mom's death is tomorrow. It's still hard on me. Too many regrets. Mostly regrets that I didn't spend more time with her. My head reminds me that it's not good to live in the past, but my heart isn't listening at the moment. The family birthday party for my grandkids is tomorrow too. That will help. Isabel, Gage and Caelan seem to always be able to make me smile. Maybe time with them is what I need to get out of this emotional funk. :-)

I've been eating too much the last week or so too...and not doing much otherwise. Maybe because of how I've felt emotionally, along with the ongoing pain and fatigue, a part of me quit caring about myself and what is good for me. I've basically got a bad attitude and that showed up on the scale. I gained 6 pounds. Though I know I'm dealing with some water retention too, probably the better part of that weight gain came from making bad eating choices and not exercising. I'm hoping that once I get past this emotional anniversary, I'll move forward in a more positive way. I have to somehow get past these emotions, the pain and fatigue, and then do what I need to do to get into better health overall. It's a daily struggle that I can't give up on or my hope is gone.

I want to write more, but don't have much in me today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. :-)