My Weight...

Ive been so out of it the last month that I forgot about my goal to lose 25 pounds (I think) by the end of March. Ive not even been trying so not anywhere close to that. The reality is, I've gained instead. I could beat myself up for that, but what good would that do??? When I feel mentally able, I will just have to try again. I don't have it in me now to even worry about it. Getting through the day with no goals seems difficult enough, though I will try to limit how many spoons of Nutella I shovel into my mouth, so that I hopefully don't gain more weight. :-)

Recovering...

Its been awhile. I had extensive sinus surgery 10 days ago. I thought that by now I'd be able to breathe through my nose, blow my nose and get back to normal activities. Unfortunately though, my nose and the areas around it that were worked on aren't healing as well, or as fast, as expected. Because of that, the ENT doctor extended my post-op recovery time till I see him again on April 2nd. I was told the only walking I could do was around the house, and that I was to avoid being outside, and not to do much else. He also stressed multiple times that I was not to bend or lift, saying if my nose started bleeding, it couldn't be stopped in the office..I would have to be operated on. So another three weeks of being a slug. When all this is over, I should be able to breathe better through both my nose and mouth, and the constant headaches will be gone, but I may have butt and back sores from sitting in the recliner too much. :-)

Because of the surgery, it's been almost two weeks since Ive seen my daughter and grandkids. I already miss them, so can't wait three more weeks before I see them. The doctor said I can drive, so as soon as I have a little more energy, I need to plan a visit. I feel shaky and weak yet now...very tired too. The doctor said thats normal, but I'm hoping I feel more myself soon (even though my normal self isn't that energetic either :-)

The good news is that other than some shoulder pain, the fibro hasn't been too bad. So as I've seen before, the Lord has not given me more than I can handle. Thank you, Lord, for being with me during the surgery and after, and for giving me Marty. I couldn't ask for a better husband. He's been by my side in all of this and helping me in any way that he can.

I'm watching the taped show of "Survivor". I've always liked these types of shows, because I feel like I'm a survivor. If the layers of ailments were taken from my body, I believe you'd find someone strong inside, both physically and emotionally. My body continues to betray the inner me though and doesn't allow that girl to come out. I wish I could peel away the pain, stiffness and fatigue to see the real me.

They're having their first immunity challenge in this new season of Survivor. As each team races through it, I envision myself as one of them. I really can see my inner self competing in these challenges and doing well. I think being able to see myself that way, though my body shows something totally different, is what gets me out of bed each day...that and it being too painful to stay in it. :-) There's still a part of me that believes the real me will gain control again someday.

At the end of each episode of Survivor, someone is voted out. I am a survivor of fibromyaliga, and each morning that I rise from my bed, I have voted to keep myself in the game of life. My daily immunity challenge is to not give up, and to keep doing what I need to do to live life to the fullest. While still being considerate of my limitations, I make plans and follow through on them. When each day is done, I don't go to bed regretting that I pushed myself past the pain and fatigue. Continuing to live with the living is what keeps my hopes and dreams alive for a better next day. Maybe it will be then that Team Peggy will win in the game of life over Team Fibromyalgia, and then become the real me again. :-)

Emotional Funk

It's been a rough week emotionally. The anniversary of my mom's death is tomorrow. It's still hard on me. Too many regrets. Mostly regrets that I didn't spend more time with her. My head reminds me that it's not good to live in the past, but my heart isn't listening at the moment. The family birthday party for my grandkids is tomorrow too. That will help. Isabel, Gage and Caelan seem to always be able to make me smile. Maybe time with them is what I need to get out of this emotional funk. :-)

I've been eating too much the last week or so too...and not doing much otherwise. Maybe because of how I've felt emotionally, along with the ongoing pain and fatigue, a part of me quit caring about myself and what is good for me. I've basically got a bad attitude and that showed up on the scale. I gained 6 pounds. Though I know I'm dealing with some water retention too, probably the better part of that weight gain came from making bad eating choices and not exercising. I'm hoping that once I get past this emotional anniversary, I'll move forward in a more positive way. I have to somehow get past these emotions, the pain and fatigue, and then do what I need to do to get into better health overall. It's a daily struggle that I can't give up on or my hope is gone.

I want to write more, but don't have much in me today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. :-)

What Can I Eat???

A couple of nights ago, I read a blog written by a doctor at www.discussfibromyalgia.com. Dr. Ashley Rusnak wrote about how to lessen symptoms of fibromyalgia, or joint pain, and listed the following foods to avoid:

* Soda pop, coffee and alcohol
* High fat dairy
* Gluten                              
* White sugar and white flour
* Trans fat & fried food
* Red meats, especially cured & smoked
* Nutrasweet & Saccharine

I'm not questioning this doctor's knowledge, but wouldn't it be easier to write what we can have? She did say though that fibromyalgia sufferers report less joint pain when on a raw-food, vegan diet, which includes fruits, vegetables, legumes, cereals, nuts and seeds. And I'm certain that no food shown in the image above is on the approved list, though that dog looks very happy and without pain of any kind. :-)

All kidding aside, I suspect Dr. Rusak knows what she's talking about, and all those food listed would be good to avoid. However, I'm not sure I have the discipline to remove all of them from my food pantry...or belly. :-) It might benefit me though to cut one from my diet and then see if it makes a positive difference. If it does, maybe later I'll have the motivation to remove another.

I already avoid trans fat and fried food, and rarely have alcohol. I also don't eat much red meat or high fat dairy. Cutting gluten, white sugar and white flour seems too overwhelming right now, and I flat out refuse to quit drinking coffee. I require it to survive! What I will TRY to do, is remove diet pop from my diet. I've heard many times that it's not a good for you.

Trying to quit drinking Diet Coke might just be something else I fail at, but I'll never win if I don't try. And whether I accomplish this goal or not, I am not a failure. When I allow negative emotions to gain control, I may at times feel like I am, but I'm not being fair to myself when I do. No one is a failure. We just, at times, fail; thankfully though, it's not all of who we are. :-)

OK, enough chit chat. It's time to focus on another goal...exercise. :-)

Bubbles

I'm dragging today, but what's new??? :-(

Though this blog is about fibromyalgia, I'm tired of writing about its negative symptoms. I want to write about something different in my life. It feels though like I'm in this bubble that I can't get out of. I press my face against its surface to watch the world outside and see others doing what I want to do, but don't feel able. I'm too tired. 

I want to cry when I write about my limitations. Though I chose to write this blog, I don't want to be seen as the girl (or woman :-) I portray here. It is who I am right now, but it's not who I want to be. I want to be the Peggy I was before fibromyalgia. Unfortunately though, it's changed me. On this day, I am who I am and have to accept that. What I can't resign myself to though, is that it'll always be this way. So I continue to push, sometimes slam myself, against this fibromyalgia bubble; hoping that someday I'll burst through it and see the real me again. 

I've decided it's again time to slam that fibro bubble; and hope that with enough impact, I'll be amongst the living again. At the very least, maybe I'll feel more alive. I've made a decision to go on a mission trip with my church. I'll either go to Puerto Rico or Cambodia. They are both 10 day construction trips. Though the work involved on the trip may make my body scream, I don't care. I won't continue to allow fibromyalgia to completely strip me of me; plus, I believe the Lord will help me through it. Some might ask...why not just walk around the block more. My response is that walking around the block isn't enough motivation to push me past the pain and fatigue. I need more. Reminding myself that there are people with bigger struggles than me, and helping them in whatever way I can, might give me the push I need to burst through that fibromyalgia bubble.

Though I'll continue to have my daily struggles with fibro and/or other ailments, this mission trip will give me a positive to focus on; and with God's help, push me beyond the fatigue and pain. Instead of thinking so much about what I can't do, I'll be reminded of what I can do...not just for me, but for others too. My mood has changed since starting this blog...now the only bubbles on my mind are those you sink into when you bathe. Those are best kind of bubbles to be in...they can soothe your fibro pain and stiffness, and give your emotions a lift too!  :-).

Weigh-in Day! 

It's Monday and my 1st weigh-in day for my 25 loss goal. Good news! I'm not as fluffy as I was on the the 24th! I lost .6 pounds. OK, that may not seem like a lot, but it has only been 4 days since I started and I did have a couple of days when I didn't do as well as I wanted in regard to controlling how much I ate. So, I'm happy with the 6/10th of a pound. Though it's only been 4 days since starting this goal, I managed to walk 66,260 steps. I surpassed my goal of 50,000 steps for the week. Because of that, I'm going to increase my steps goal for next week. I'm going to make it 70,000 steps. That'll mean I'll have to average the 10,000 steps per day that is recommended for each person. Let's hope I don't embarrass myself and not even make the goal of 50,000 that I set for this last week. :-) Wish me luck!

OK...time to drive to Elmhurst to watch my grandkids. Too bad I can't count the 25+ miles it takes to get there. Depending on your stride, it's estimated that there are 2000 steps for every mile. I could really rack up some steps! Since driving the steps doesn't count though, I'll have to stick to what the pedometer tells me after I walk. :-)

Gotta Go! Hope you have a great day!