It's Good To Have Children in Our Lives

Yesterday, I had a great day with our oldest granddaughter, Isabel. She turns 10 this week, so we spent the day trying to make her feel special in different ways as a way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. It was a nice time and I could tell she was happy. Seeing her happy made me happy.

When my mom and dad died a few years back, I was reminded of what an impact kids have on me. Babies, children and animals of all kinds have always been able to make me smile, even at my most disheartened times. When dealing with the loss of my parents though, it was only my grandkids who could turn my frown upside down. :-) I hid myself away from everyone else, both physically and emotionally. Though Isabel, Gage and Caelan have their bad moments; for the most part, they are just innocent, loving, fun and funny children who by just being themselves can remind you what is important in life. No matter the depth of sadness I might feel otherwise, they can keep me from diving deeper into that hole of depression. When I am with them, my bucket of tears dries up and smiles and laughter prevail. They are like grief counselors without even knowing it. It's been over 4 years, but now when I think of Mom and Dad, the grief doesn't have the hold on me like it once did. I can even laugh when fun memories of them come to mind. In the past, I only cried. I don't think I'd be at that place even yet if not for my grandkids. With them I am reminded that it's not the dead who are most important in our lives, it's the living. I will always miss and love my parents, and others I've lost and will lose in the future, but I want to focus most on those who are alive. That will keep me in the present. It's there, not the past or the future, where we find the most joy. My grandkids help me live in the now by distracting me from the past and the future. They give me a way to focus on the very moment I'm in...that adds to my happiness, and theirs.

As with sadness and grief, Isabel, Gage and Caelan make living with fibromyalgia and other health issues easier too. Though I'm always tired, and usually in pain, I don't notice it so much when I'm with them. I'll also extend beyond my comfort zone for them, which I think can be good for my body. The grandkids are a wonderful distraction no matter what life brings me. Because of that I need to do all I can to stay healthy so that I can continue to enjoy all the time God gives me with them, along with all of those whom I love.

Thank you, Lord, for my grandkids (and for my daughter who birthed them)! :-)

Stress, Illness, Trauma, Nightmares and Me

It was another night when I didn't sleep well or much, but I'm not going to complain. I have had a couple of decent nights of sleep this week. I'm thankful for that. One night I even had a good dream. I rarely dream, probably because I rarely get into that REM sleep that allows you to dream. Most of my life I've struggled with sleep. When I was a kid, it was mainly due to asthma. I don't know if there were drugs for asthma back then, but if there were, we most likely couldn't afford it. I was mainly given hot tea to drink, and then because of my mom having to work so much to keep us fed, my Grandma would be the one rubbing Vicks Vapor Rub all over my neck, chest and below my nose. I hated that, but it did help in some way...seemed to open up my sinuses and lungs. When the asthma was at its worst though, I was taken to emergency, and there given oxygen and adrenaline of some kind to open up my lungs. Sometimes I'd have to stay for a week. My grandmother on my Dad's side died from being treated for asthma, so he was the most scared when I dealt with asthma. I kind of got used to it. I still have severe asthma, but it's more controlled now. Thank God for that, or it'd one more thing to keep me awake. Dealing with fibro is enough. :-)

I don't remember having many dreams as a kid either. I remember a few nightmares though. A recurring one at age six was about a ghost. I'd dream that Mom told me to hang some laundry out on the clothes line in the evening when it was dark. Every time I'd try to pin a piece of clothing to the line, a ghost would bite one of my fingers. After the ghost bit 3 fingers, I'd cry and run down the street a couple of blocks until I was at the gas station where my dad worked. I'd jump up on him and he'd hold me, and then I'd feel safe again. I had that dream three nights in a row. I'm assuming it came out of being afraid of the dark and/or ghosts, but I can't remember what brought it on. Another dream I had multiple times around the age seven was me falling off a bridge. A few times when this happened, I'd wake up on the floor, having fallen out of bed. The nightmares got worse later in life.

When I was eight, I was sexually abused by my Uncle Billy who was just seven years older than me; and for many years, raised like my brother. Though that abuse ended when my family found out, I wasn't talked to about it and the nightmares from it lasted for more than a year. I'd dream I was floating in space all by myself and couldn't get back home. I was afraid and felt very alone. It got to the point that I would try to avoid sleeping so I wouldn't go into this dream.

When I was ten, as I walked with my two younger brothers down the street one day, a drunk driver drove up onto the sidewalk. I was able to pull my two-year-old brother, Allen, out of the way, but couldn't get to my six-year-old brother, Kenny. He was a few steps behind me. I remember seeing his head crushed in from the tire. He died less than six hours later. The recurring nightmare from that day followed me into adulthood. I questioned what I could have done to keep Kenny alive...maybe walked down a different road, not let him walk behind me, etc. The guilt added to the trauma of the accident. The police found the drunk driver painting his car, and he was found guilty of man slaughter. His sentence was to pay my mother $35 each month for 3 years, meaning the court only valued my brother's life at $1,260.00.  Even at just 10-years-old, that made me angry; but as with all my emotions then, I kept it to myself. I didn't talk to anyone about anything related to Kenny's death until I was around 30 years old.

At 16, I was raped by knife point. I didn't tell anyone and again blamed myself for not being smart enough to avoid it. It brought on more nightmares. Before this, I wanted to be an artist, but that dream died too. After it, I also began to  disobey my parents more. I'd ask to do something, but when told "no", I'd do it anyway. That meant I'd get a beating from my stepdad, but I didn't care. I didn't cry when he hit me either, no matter how much it hurt. Before my 16th year ended, my mom kicked me out...telling me to move to my dad's in another state. That went OK for a while, but then one day I left his house to go to school and just never went back home. I either stayed with friends, a family I'd just met, or just walked up and down the streets (sometimes the police would offer me a ride to somewhere safe to get me off the streets :-). Not sure why I left Dad's though...he didn't do anything to cause it. I wasn't into drinking, drugs or sleeping around either. I was alone most of the time...just numb. It was kind of like I was walking through life dead. I was on the inside.

There was more to life before and after those times though...good and bad. It wasn't till I was around 30 though when I made my first real friend. It was a time when I was drinking too much. For some reason though, when I met Len, I trusted him more than I did others. I realize now it's because God was in his heart, and He showed through. Even with Len, I was still closed up in areas, but he talked with me about the Lord and that changed me. I accepted His son, Jesus, into my own life; and with time, my heart became more open to others too. Because God filled that emotional hole in me, I finally had something to give. I now have a great relationship with my husband, Marty, and a few exceptionally good friends. An added bonus is that my nightmares were taken away too. The past no longer has a hold on me. Occasionally, assuming I sleep, I might still have nightmare, but now it's not related to any trauma, it's just bad pizza. :-)

Most experts believe that fibromyalgia is linked to stress, illness and trauma. As you read above, my life had all of them, so no real surprise that fibro chose me (I'm such a lucky girl :-). I made the trauma worse though by shutting down emotionally. Maybe as a child, teen and young adult, I didn't know any better...wasn't equipped to deal with life's setbacks. Now I am though. I have the Lord, my husband, family and good friends to help me through them; and when you look past the fibro symptoms, you can see that I'm no longer the sad, tortured little girl that grew up feeling alone. Most days I'm happy.

My dog, Zoe, who is nicknamed "Monkey" because of how she likes to jump around, even up trees so she can chase squirrels :-)

Another Day in the Mind of a Monkey

Nothing new to write about. I remain in a poor sleep state, though I'm thankful that the fibro pain has lessened. The Trazadone the doctor prescribed to help me sleep isn't working as well as in the past. If this keeps up, I'll need to talk with her and maybe get a different med, though I don't like to change. I'd rather just not need the Trazadone or anything like it. I'm sick of meds and doctors, though I know too that I need them both. I just wish I didn't. I pray that someday I won't.

I wish too that my thoughts would slow down and be more focused. The monkey in my mind is still in control and running wild in my brain. It continues to scatter my thoughts and memories all over the place. Because of that, my mind stays awake, though not always in a coherent way. I constantly run down rabbit trails, never remembering from where I started and not staying in any one place long. I wonder if this is how a crazy person feels. Sometimes I think I am crazy. The monkey mind makes me tired...not just physically, but mentally too.  And the fatigue affects my emotions. I cry easily. I don't like how that feels and the effect it has on Marty when tears run from my eyes from out of nowhere. I make myself stop crying to alleviate his worry; but when I'm off by myself, the tears usually escape again. Most times, it happens for no real reason; but whether a reason or not, I try to not let myself stay in that place too long. I fear if I allow myself to dig a hole too deep, I won't be able to climb out. Even monkeys need to hang on to something (I just don't want it to be my mind. :-) There's not much to grab in a hole. No matter the depth of my emotions though, I do have an advantage...I have the Lord to hold onto. There's nothing too big or deep for our God. And if the monkey in my mind will allow it, I need to also remember that life for me really isn't that bad. I'm just tired. :-)

I did walk more today...hoping the exercise will help my brain shut down later. I've done close to 22,000 steps; and if the weather wasn't so stinkin' cold here in Illinois I might have walked more! I really miss the warmer weather of the south. I'd love to be lying on a beach. If not that, walking in the desert sands of New Mexico. Bottom line...I want/need the sun and warmer weather. Oh well...I'll survive the pain, fatigue and monkey mind...even in the cold, windy Chicago suburbs. :-) Hope you're doing well!

Too Many Thoughts

It's another night when I'm struggling to sleep. Pain isn't too bad...just monkey mind. My brain is flitting around and finding no place to stop. I'll list a few thoughts as they crowd in and out of my mind:

• The ceiling fan looks like a star
• I wonder if Mao Clinic thinks eating wheat causes inflammation and weight gain?
• What's that light...oh yea, it's the bathroom light I left on
• Wish my back wasn't hurting
• Wonder why Daisy is restless
• Do I have enough water in my glass...my throat has been staying dry
• I wonder if Marty turned the heat down before we went to bed
• My front tooth feels sensitive
• I read 71 books last year...starting my 3rd this year...what should my goal be for the year? Maybe I shouldn't make one...I just read what I read anyway and who really cares???
• I've been lying up here almost 3 hours and still don't feel like I can sleep
• I've got to exercise tomorrow...can't be lazy like today
• I hope Isabel likes the birthday gifts we got her
• Peanut and Zoe go to the groomer tomorrow...wish I'd put it off
• Need to review some manuscripts...Karen might have responses for me too
• Don't know why I'm having more trouble breathing today
• I should make that chicken- vegetable soup - I think I have everything for it
• Think I'll eat wheat again...not sure it is as bad as that book made it out to be - I really believe that everything is OK in moderation; plus I won't stick with it long-term anyway. I never do with stuff like that...maybe cause I don't have any faith in myself
• That light in the bathroom bugs me...feel like the dogs need it though
• Wish I could sleep like Marty...he goes right to sleep and sleeps well for the most part
• Gotta remember to pickup that gift at Best Buy
• I took Mom for granted...did I think she was going to live forever??? She was 72!
• Wish I had nothing to do tomorrow
• The blog site needs more backgrounds...I'm bored with all they have...it's a free site though so I guess I shouldn't complain
• Isabel told me I was too nice the other day...started to tell her that you can never be too nice, but then wondered if that was true...it's cool that she thinks I'm nice though
• My feet feel cold even with all this cover
• My neck hurts...shoulders too
• Gotta find a new position...hips are hurting worse 
• Need to get that cheese for Gage before Monday
• The quilting basics class is on a day I can go now, but I'm not sure I have the energy for it now
• Looks like a shadow of some kind on the ceiling
• Wish this cough would go away...I'm really tired of it

Enough talk of my monkey mind...it's too much to keep up with; plus, it's kind of depressing to hear myself think. When I don't write my thoughts, they fly from my brain without much attention paid to them. When I write or say my thoughts out loud, they have more impact on my emotions. That can be bad.

I do feel sleepier now. Maybe by listing the sometimes mindless matters that clutter my brain, I bored myself into a sleepy state. I can only hope! :-) 

Can't Sleep

It's after 1am and I can't sleep. The fibro pain is bad. I tossed and turned in bed for 3 hours. Now I'm in a recliner in the family room eating an apple...hoping that resting here will help in some way. Maybe being in a new position will lessen the pain on those pressure points; plus, sometimes it's just good to get out of bed. It's very frustrating to lie there for so long when I'm fighting sleep. I normally avoid pain meds and just try to deal with the body aches because of the affect drugs can have on my kidneys, but I broke down and took two. I'll be watching the grandkids again tomorrow so need some relief so I can hopefully get a few hours of rest.

I thought since I wasn't able to doze off yet I'd blog, but I'm not sure what to write about. I'm really tired and not much seems to be happening in my brain. You'd think that when your body isn't able to sleep that your brain would be awake too, but that's not the case...at least not with me. Maybe if I sit here long enough, or continue to babble about nothing, some invaluable thought will enter my brain that I can share. So far nothing though....

I can tell I'm tired. I was just remembering when I was a kid in Texas and chased armadillos for fun. Never did catch one of them. You wouldn't think they'd be that fast but they can really move for a little armored rat. Not like the road runner though. I'd see those while at school in New Mexico. I was supposed to be listening to the teacher, but a lot of the time I'd be looking out the classroom window. Sometimes I'd see one of those little road runners racing by in the sand (no coyote chasing after them though). :-) I'd smile each time I saw one and be amazed at their speed. I've always loved all kinds of creatures. One of my favorite things in New Mexico was hearing the hyenas at night. We'd be sitting out on the porch and it would sound like they were laughing. Illinois is so different from the places I lived as a kid. I miss the southwest.

The meds are helping. The pain is less, but I still don't feel like I can sleep. I'm going to quit trying to blog though since I'm doubtful that much will pop into my head, other than random thoughts that travel from one rabbit trail to the next without making a whole lot of sense. :-) Hope you're sleeping well!

Call 911. I feel like a truck ran over me! Just kidding of course. It's really just that my grandkids were with me for four days. That's twin 4-year-olds and one 9-year-old, which means less sleep and more fibro pain. It's worth it though. I love being with my grandkids, though always thankful when I get to rest after they're gone. :-)

I was thinking about how I cleaned the house before the grandkids came over. Why do I do that??? I think because I want to show them the same respect I'd show an adult that was coming to visit, but also because I know they'll be on the floor, playing with their toys on the coffee tables and God only knows what else. Because of that, I want all the areas clean for them. What's odd about cleaning before their visit, is that within 5 minutes, everything they brought from home is sitting around and the tubs of toys that we keep for each of them here is dumped out on the floor, spread from room to room. Someone could walk in and it'd look like I never cleaned. How does my daughter and other moms do it??? I only had one child and thought that kept me busy enough. I think what I've learned through having grandkids is that you can't get too stuck on things being orderly. The time with the kids is what's important, not how the place looks. Anyway, though it didn't look like it long, I am still glad I cleaned before Isabel (9), Gage (4) and Caelan (4) came. I guess that's what it's all about...me doing what I think is right before their visit, and then enjoying them while they're here.

During the 4 days that the grandkids were here, it seemed like I was constantly picking up, cooking meals, serving snacks and washing dishes. I didn't worry too much about all the toys being on the floor, though I did keep telling the the kids to move them out of the walking path for safety's sake; and I played and read with the kids too, so it wasn't all work. That's where the special memories are, though the most painful ones...meaning getting down on the floor with them is much harder than it used to be. :-) All 3 kids slept in a bedroom with me too...well I should say me and 3 dogs...so that was an adventure in itself. My husband was smart and slept in another room...he got some sleep! :-)

Though the fibro pain is worse now and I'm more tired than before my grandkids came over, I never regret the time I had with them. I am enjoying the quietness of today though, while thanking God for bringing those wonderful children into my life. :-)

Happy New Year!

Wow! Another year gone. It's a time when a lot of people make New Year resolutions.  I remember back in the old days when I made New Year goals...at least a part of the time, I could meet them. Now, I rarely accomplish any goals. What's up with that??? When you're young, or at least when I was, I had more confidence. It's now when I'm 50+ (OK...closer to 60), when I could really use the extra boost of confidence that meeting a goal would bring.

Now, making New Year goals seems like a setup to fail. What I do instead is set small goals throughout the year as I need to and what I see as life or relationship improvements. Losing weight is a current goal. I, at times, will have small successes in this area only to gain my successes back later...the reason why this remains an ongoing goal. :-)

I've recently accomplished a small goal of getting away from daily eating of straight sugar (i.e., twizzlers, marshmallows, and gummy bears), which we all know isn't good for you when trying to lose weight (or anytime really). Instead, my husband shared a snack with me which has more substance than candy and I've come to love it. Maybe you've had it before...Nutella. It's similar to peanut butter, though a hazelnut spread with cocoa in it. How can you beat that combination??? And nuts are good for you! The problem is, I've now become addicted to it. :-( Seems like I just switched addictions. So now I'm trying to keep my spoon out of the Nutella jar. I think I've gone 5 days now. Woo hoo! OK...some may laugh at such a small accomplishment; but in my world, 5 days is big! When trying to achieve a goal, it's all about 1 day at a time. Daily successes add up to weekly, monthly and then yearly successes. And whether it be only 1 or 320 successful days, I'm a success because I tried. You've probably heard the old saying, "Its only when you quit that you fail." So as long as I keep trying, I can be proud of whatever successes I have.

Right now my goals or life improvements include:
1.  Deepening my relationship with the Lord
2.  Not taking family and friends for granted
3.  Living in the moment...not looking too much in the future or past
4.  Getting healthier -
      manage fibro better, lose weight, exercise regularly, eat healthier
5.  Mailing birthday and other cards on time
6.  Oh yea...learning to eat Nutrella responsibly :-)

I've had most of the same goals for a while...well, not the Nutella one...but I think they're good ones to keep no matter where I'm at in reaching them. To succeed at anything though, I've learned that I need the Lord's help. My past has shown I don't do so well on my own.

I ask now that, if it's in His will, God help me reach my goals along with any you may have as well. I pray too for the Lord to bless you and your family in this next year.

Happy New Year!
Peggy