Fibro Funk

I've been in a funk today with no ambition or drive. I tried to pull myself out of it, but still remain in that same mental state of mind. And though I used funk to describe where I am mentally, I wasn't really sure of it's meaning till I googled the word, funk, to see how it was defined:


Funk
1. cowering fear; state of great fright or terror
2. dejected, moody
3. music genre that originated in the the mid-late 1960s

I don't think fear defines me at the moment, so definition #2 probably best describes how I feel. Not sure if dejected fits me though, so googled it too to see what Webster would spill:

Dejected
1. depressed
2. downcast
3. lowered in rank and condition

I've not been lowered in rank, so I guess that means my funk comes from being moody and depressed. Not sure what would cause my mood to be down, but I suspect if I was to look for a culprit, fibromyagia would be found.

Too bad definition #3 isn't what I feel, because then I could dance to my funky music, instead of sitting here feeling like a leftover tater tot with no tummy to fill! :-)

Geez...if I don't quit writing I'll deal with more mental junk. Best if leave my mentality for another time and trust that tomorrow I will be done with this fibro funk.

Listen

I'm in a bit of a fog and my right knee is bothering me. I'm trying not to think about the pain and focus on other things. That's always been the 1st step in my relief strategy...to distract myself.  So I hope now to get lost in my writing; and once I'm done maybe, just maybe, the pain will be gone. We'll see how it goes.... :-)

My husband, Marty, and I had a great talk the other day as we drove to meet my stepfather and brother for a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant 55 miles away. We talked about listening. Marty would be sharing in a men's group the benefits of being an active listener. As a way to show how a wife can benefit from good listening, he asked how him listening well benefitted me and our relationship. Our discussion made the trip enjoyable; and by listening, we learned a little more about each other too. Listening does have it's value!

I believe we all want someone to listen to us. When my husband listens to me, I feel more loved. When he and others care enough to know how I think and feel, it reminds me that I am not going through life on my own. When not listened to, I feel devalued and alone. My husband wasn't always the best listener, but because he cared enough to make the effort to improve, our relationship became stronger and my love for him is deeper too.

My listening skills vary from day to day. I used to be better, but it's more difficult these days. I don't focus as well, probably due to lack of sleep and pain. I was told that when your brain deals with fatigue and pain, it can't focus as well on other things. I have to try harder now, but listening well is still worth the effort.  I don't want my husband, daughter, grandkids, and/or friends to feel unimportant or less than what they are to me. Issues with pain and lack of sleep do have an effect on me, but they aren't an excuse to not care. I need to give those I love, and anyone, the best I have at the moment; plus, there's so much we can learn from others. I can grow inside from what they share with me. So even if I only muddle through the fog enough to rate a 4 on that listening scale of 1 to 10, I can feel OK with myself if I gave my best...even if that best isn't what it used to be. And I believe those I care about will be OK with me too...just because I made the effort.

Writing did help me forget about the pain. Works every time...well most of the time anyway! Unfortunately, the pain is still there...time to look for a new distraction...maybe vacuuming, dusting, making the bed...OK, none of those sounds fun or like it'd be soothing to my knee. Maybe, I'll just have another cup of coffee and practice my listening skills as I watch TV. :-)
Peggy

Sleep

I wonder what it's like to sleep well night after night. It's close to 2am and I still can't sleep. I've dealt with insomnia most of my life for one reason or another. As a child, it was due to severe asthma. Tonight my sleeplessness is due to the fibromyalgia and pain in both knees.  Recently it was discovered that I have osteoarthritis. The good news is that the orthopedic doctor gave me a steroid shot in both knees, so they should feel better in a couple days. Now if I could get rid of the fibro pain....

I think insomnia causes or worsens issues in my life. When I don't sleep the fibro pain is acerbated, and then that causes me not to sleep. Ultimately causing my chronic fatigue. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to find a way out of. Exercise helps the fibro, but it can also cause more pain. I have to be careful to exercise every day, but not to exercise too much; and with being so tired all the time, I struggle to stay motivated to do anything. The lack of sleep and pain also cause depression, making the grief over losing both my parents a few years back linger.

Not sleeping well has also affected my memory. Though we all struggle with memory issues as we age, my memory problems became more of a concern, so much that my doctor ordered a brain scan done. I'm happy to say though, that she was pleasantly surprised to see that I do have a brain. :-) All was well with it too, so the doctor believes again that my worsening memory issues are due to my poor sleep habits and the chronic pain. That's a good thing...I guess. 

It seems almost daily lately I hear or read some news report that not sleeping enough can end your life earlier. How depressing is that??!!! Makes me so depressed I just want to sleep. But I can't!!!!

So anyway, what is is like to have a deep sleep every night? Are you in complete darkness, not remembering anything when you awaken? Do you have good dreams? I don't dream much...maybe because I don't sleep much and it's not usually a deep sleep when I do. Do mysterious beings clean your house while you're asleep. Maybe I never had any fairies or elves clean mine during the night because I never slept long enough for them to steal into my kitchen and wash my dishes without me knowing it. I wish I could tell them somehow that it's OK to do it while I'm awake! :-)

Anyway, it's good that the Lord got me back to this blog so that I had something to do while I was awake. I just finished reading my 70th book in the 2012 year...my goal was 50. I need another midnight hobby. Any ideas? 

I'll stop for now. It's 3am now and in just 2 more hours I will allow myself to make coffee. Woo hoo!!! I make myself wait till 5am just in case I can fall asleep before then. One of my sleep or sleeplessness rules. I may be falling apart everywhere else, but I do maintain my standards! :-)

I hope you had a great sleep. I'm going to lie back down and see if I can get some of that sleep I hear so much about.  

Pleasant Dreams!

Peggy