My dog, Zoe, who is nicknamed "Monkey" because of how she likes to jump around, even up trees so she can chase squirrels :-)

Another Day in the Mind of a Monkey

Nothing new to write about. I remain in a poor sleep state, though I'm thankful that the fibro pain has lessened. The Trazadone the doctor prescribed to help me sleep isn't working as well as in the past. If this keeps up, I'll need to talk with her and maybe get a different med, though I don't like to change. I'd rather just not need the Trazadone or anything like it. I'm sick of meds and doctors, though I know too that I need them both. I just wish I didn't. I pray that someday I won't.

I wish too that my thoughts would slow down and be more focused. The monkey in my mind is still in control and running wild in my brain. It continues to scatter my thoughts and memories all over the place. Because of that, my mind stays awake, though not always in a coherent way. I constantly run down rabbit trails, never remembering from where I started and not staying in any one place long. I wonder if this is how a crazy person feels. Sometimes I think I am crazy. The monkey mind makes me tired...not just physically, but mentally too.  And the fatigue affects my emotions. I cry easily. I don't like how that feels and the effect it has on Marty when tears run from my eyes from out of nowhere. I make myself stop crying to alleviate his worry; but when I'm off by myself, the tears usually escape again. Most times, it happens for no real reason; but whether a reason or not, I try to not let myself stay in that place too long. I fear if I allow myself to dig a hole too deep, I won't be able to climb out. Even monkeys need to hang on to something (I just don't want it to be my mind. :-) There's not much to grab in a hole. No matter the depth of my emotions though, I do have an advantage...I have the Lord to hold onto. There's nothing too big or deep for our God. And if the monkey in my mind will allow it, I need to also remember that life for me really isn't that bad. I'm just tired. :-)

I did walk more today...hoping the exercise will help my brain shut down later. I've done close to 22,000 steps; and if the weather wasn't so stinkin' cold here in Illinois I might have walked more! I really miss the warmer weather of the south. I'd love to be lying on a beach. If not that, walking in the desert sands of New Mexico. Bottom line...I want/need the sun and warmer weather. Oh well...I'll survive the pain, fatigue and monkey mind...even in the cold, windy Chicago suburbs. :-) Hope you're doing well!

Too Many Thoughts

It's another night when I'm struggling to sleep. Pain isn't too bad...just monkey mind. My brain is flitting around and finding no place to stop. I'll list a few thoughts as they crowd in and out of my mind:

• The ceiling fan looks like a star
• I wonder if Mao Clinic thinks eating wheat causes inflammation and weight gain?
• What's that light...oh yea, it's the bathroom light I left on
• Wish my back wasn't hurting
• Wonder why Daisy is restless
• Do I have enough water in my glass...my throat has been staying dry
• I wonder if Marty turned the heat down before we went to bed
• My front tooth feels sensitive
• I read 71 books last year...starting my 3rd this year...what should my goal be for the year? Maybe I shouldn't make one...I just read what I read anyway and who really cares???
• I've been lying up here almost 3 hours and still don't feel like I can sleep
• I've got to exercise tomorrow...can't be lazy like today
• I hope Isabel likes the birthday gifts we got her
• Peanut and Zoe go to the groomer tomorrow...wish I'd put it off
• Need to review some manuscripts...Karen might have responses for me too
• Don't know why I'm having more trouble breathing today
• I should make that chicken- vegetable soup - I think I have everything for it
• Think I'll eat wheat again...not sure it is as bad as that book made it out to be - I really believe that everything is OK in moderation; plus I won't stick with it long-term anyway. I never do with stuff like that...maybe cause I don't have any faith in myself
• That light in the bathroom bugs me...feel like the dogs need it though
• Wish I could sleep like Marty...he goes right to sleep and sleeps well for the most part
• Gotta remember to pickup that gift at Best Buy
• I took Mom for granted...did I think she was going to live forever??? She was 72!
• Wish I had nothing to do tomorrow
• The blog site needs more backgrounds...I'm bored with all they have...it's a free site though so I guess I shouldn't complain
• Isabel told me I was too nice the other day...started to tell her that you can never be too nice, but then wondered if that was true...it's cool that she thinks I'm nice though
• My feet feel cold even with all this cover
• My neck hurts...shoulders too
• Gotta find a new position...hips are hurting worse 
• Need to get that cheese for Gage before Monday
• The quilting basics class is on a day I can go now, but I'm not sure I have the energy for it now
• Looks like a shadow of some kind on the ceiling
• Wish this cough would go away...I'm really tired of it

Enough talk of my monkey mind...it's too much to keep up with; plus, it's kind of depressing to hear myself think. When I don't write my thoughts, they fly from my brain without much attention paid to them. When I write or say my thoughts out loud, they have more impact on my emotions. That can be bad.

I do feel sleepier now. Maybe by listing the sometimes mindless matters that clutter my brain, I bored myself into a sleepy state. I can only hope! :-) 

Monkey Mind

Lately I've struggled with knowing what to write...seems like my mind is blank, though I know it's not.  I have a lot of thoughts but they are disjointed, like they're bouncing all over the place. I can't seem to pull words together in a way which allows me to share my thoughts in an understandable way. I have monkey mind.

Wikipedia describes monkey mind as a Buddhist term meaning, "unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable". I don't know about being capricious, whimsical or fanciful, but unsettled, restless, inconstant, confused and indecisive fit on most days. Uncontrollable works too when you're talking about my eating habits. :-)

It's very frustrating to have a lot of thoughts, but not complete thoughts. Sometimes my mind is on one subject, then it jumps to another, and then another. I go from one rabbit trail to the next and most times don't find my way back. This happens a lot when talking to others, but I've learned to laugh about it. No point getting upset...that'd just be one more thing for my brain to bounce around all day.

This is the 3rd blog I've started in the last couple of days...the other two I never finished. Even now, when trying to write about this, my mind is flitting around like a butterfly on steroids. It seems to take forever to put a complete paragraph together in a way that is readable. I can't focus.

I read that people with fibromyalgia have minds that never shut down. It's called "monkey chatter." I know my brain is like that. I think that's partly why I don't sleep much; and then when I do sleep, it's a lighter sleep. When I wake up from sleeping, my mind is already racing...almost like it never stopped.

Mindfulness a form of deep relaxation that involves focusing on being "in the moment." It's said that if you relax in this way it will help you stop the mental chatter. This can be done by listening to music and/or focusing completely on your surroundings, while enjoying where you are and how you feel internally at that very moment. This requires a mental discipline that I struggle to find. 

Though it isn't easy for me, I need to at least try to practice mindfulness. It would hopefully help my monkey mind with it's endless chatter and also allow me to focus on, and appreciate better, this life God has given me. I don't think I can truly be grateful for all I have in the Lord when my nonsensical thoughts are jumping all over the place.

Time to end this monkey mind and apply mindfulness. We'll see how I do. Pray for me. :-)