My dog, Zoe, who is nicknamed "Monkey" because of how she likes to jump around, even up trees so she can chase squirrels :-)

Another Day in the Mind of a Monkey

Nothing new to write about. I remain in a poor sleep state, though I'm thankful that the fibro pain has lessened. The Trazadone the doctor prescribed to help me sleep isn't working as well as in the past. If this keeps up, I'll need to talk with her and maybe get a different med, though I don't like to change. I'd rather just not need the Trazadone or anything like it. I'm sick of meds and doctors, though I know too that I need them both. I just wish I didn't. I pray that someday I won't.

I wish too that my thoughts would slow down and be more focused. The monkey in my mind is still in control and running wild in my brain. It continues to scatter my thoughts and memories all over the place. Because of that, my mind stays awake, though not always in a coherent way. I constantly run down rabbit trails, never remembering from where I started and not staying in any one place long. I wonder if this is how a crazy person feels. Sometimes I think I am crazy. The monkey mind makes me tired...not just physically, but mentally too.  And the fatigue affects my emotions. I cry easily. I don't like how that feels and the effect it has on Marty when tears run from my eyes from out of nowhere. I make myself stop crying to alleviate his worry; but when I'm off by myself, the tears usually escape again. Most times, it happens for no real reason; but whether a reason or not, I try to not let myself stay in that place too long. I fear if I allow myself to dig a hole too deep, I won't be able to climb out. Even monkeys need to hang on to something (I just don't want it to be my mind. :-) There's not much to grab in a hole. No matter the depth of my emotions though, I do have an advantage...I have the Lord to hold onto. There's nothing too big or deep for our God. And if the monkey in my mind will allow it, I need to also remember that life for me really isn't that bad. I'm just tired. :-)

I did walk more today...hoping the exercise will help my brain shut down later. I've done close to 22,000 steps; and if the weather wasn't so stinkin' cold here in Illinois I might have walked more! I really miss the warmer weather of the south. I'd love to be lying on a beach. If not that, walking in the desert sands of New Mexico. Bottom line...I want/need the sun and warmer weather. Oh well...I'll survive the pain, fatigue and monkey mind...even in the cold, windy Chicago suburbs. :-) Hope you're doing well!

Call 911. I feel like a truck ran over me! Just kidding of course. It's really just that my grandkids were with me for four days. That's twin 4-year-olds and one 9-year-old, which means less sleep and more fibro pain. It's worth it though. I love being with my grandkids, though always thankful when I get to rest after they're gone. :-)

I was thinking about how I cleaned the house before the grandkids came over. Why do I do that??? I think because I want to show them the same respect I'd show an adult that was coming to visit, but also because I know they'll be on the floor, playing with their toys on the coffee tables and God only knows what else. Because of that, I want all the areas clean for them. What's odd about cleaning before their visit, is that within 5 minutes, everything they brought from home is sitting around and the tubs of toys that we keep for each of them here is dumped out on the floor, spread from room to room. Someone could walk in and it'd look like I never cleaned. How does my daughter and other moms do it??? I only had one child and thought that kept me busy enough. I think what I've learned through having grandkids is that you can't get too stuck on things being orderly. The time with the kids is what's important, not how the place looks. Anyway, though it didn't look like it long, I am still glad I cleaned before Isabel (9), Gage (4) and Caelan (4) came. I guess that's what it's all about...me doing what I think is right before their visit, and then enjoying them while they're here.

During the 4 days that the grandkids were here, it seemed like I was constantly picking up, cooking meals, serving snacks and washing dishes. I didn't worry too much about all the toys being on the floor, though I did keep telling the the kids to move them out of the walking path for safety's sake; and I played and read with the kids too, so it wasn't all work. That's where the special memories are, though the most painful ones...meaning getting down on the floor with them is much harder than it used to be. :-) All 3 kids slept in a bedroom with me too...well I should say me and 3 dogs...so that was an adventure in itself. My husband was smart and slept in another room...he got some sleep! :-)

Though the fibro pain is worse now and I'm more tired than before my grandkids came over, I never regret the time I had with them. I am enjoying the quietness of today though, while thanking God for bringing those wonderful children into my life. :-)

Ugh! Pain Reigns!

Bronchitis is better, though not totally gone. Much better than it was though. Woo hoo!! Bad news though is the fibro pain is back. What's up with that??? Can't a girl get a break? I'd like a day when I'm not tired, not dealing with asthma or other respiratory problems; when I have no sinus issues; no pain of any kind, and my body overall is in good health. I want to feel joy, but it's difficult to feel happiness to that depth when you don't ever feel good. I don't forget though, and am thankful, that I don't have cancer, aids or other life-threatening or debilitating ailments. But does that mean I should feel guilty for wanting to have a few days of good health?  I do feel guilty though. Though I'm just trying to be open with my thoughts now, I feel at risk of being looked at as an ungrateful whiner. Maybe the problem is, I see myself that way. I grew up thinking I shouldn't complain, and still struggle within myself when I share negative thoughts. It makes me think I'm weak emotionally because I'm not quiet about my physical issues. It's hard to break free from that mindset, even when sharing how I feel in this blog.

To go on though...I had less than stellar sleep until around 1am last night. I tossed and turned a lot. By 3am, I couldn't sleep at all. No matter which way I turned, one or more areas of my body felt pain. I started out sleeping in my bed, then moved to the recliner, the sofa, and ultimately back to the recliner. I gave up on sleep totally around 4:30 this morning. With all that said, the fibro pain was not as bad as it's been at other times, so I can be thankful for that. I am still very tired though...not so thankful for that. :-)

Listen

I'm in a bit of a fog and my right knee is bothering me. I'm trying not to think about the pain and focus on other things. That's always been the 1st step in my relief strategy...to distract myself.  So I hope now to get lost in my writing; and once I'm done maybe, just maybe, the pain will be gone. We'll see how it goes.... :-)

My husband, Marty, and I had a great talk the other day as we drove to meet my stepfather and brother for a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant 55 miles away. We talked about listening. Marty would be sharing in a men's group the benefits of being an active listener. As a way to show how a wife can benefit from good listening, he asked how him listening well benefitted me and our relationship. Our discussion made the trip enjoyable; and by listening, we learned a little more about each other too. Listening does have it's value!

I believe we all want someone to listen to us. When my husband listens to me, I feel more loved. When he and others care enough to know how I think and feel, it reminds me that I am not going through life on my own. When not listened to, I feel devalued and alone. My husband wasn't always the best listener, but because he cared enough to make the effort to improve, our relationship became stronger and my love for him is deeper too.

My listening skills vary from day to day. I used to be better, but it's more difficult these days. I don't focus as well, probably due to lack of sleep and pain. I was told that when your brain deals with fatigue and pain, it can't focus as well on other things. I have to try harder now, but listening well is still worth the effort.  I don't want my husband, daughter, grandkids, and/or friends to feel unimportant or less than what they are to me. Issues with pain and lack of sleep do have an effect on me, but they aren't an excuse to not care. I need to give those I love, and anyone, the best I have at the moment; plus, there's so much we can learn from others. I can grow inside from what they share with me. So even if I only muddle through the fog enough to rate a 4 on that listening scale of 1 to 10, I can feel OK with myself if I gave my best...even if that best isn't what it used to be. And I believe those I care about will be OK with me too...just because I made the effort.

Writing did help me forget about the pain. Works every time...well most of the time anyway! Unfortunately, the pain is still there...time to look for a new distraction...maybe vacuuming, dusting, making the bed...OK, none of those sounds fun or like it'd be soothing to my knee. Maybe, I'll just have another cup of coffee and practice my listening skills as I watch TV. :-)
Peggy

Sleep

I wonder what it's like to sleep well night after night. It's close to 2am and I still can't sleep. I've dealt with insomnia most of my life for one reason or another. As a child, it was due to severe asthma. Tonight my sleeplessness is due to the fibromyalgia and pain in both knees.  Recently it was discovered that I have osteoarthritis. The good news is that the orthopedic doctor gave me a steroid shot in both knees, so they should feel better in a couple days. Now if I could get rid of the fibro pain....

I think insomnia causes or worsens issues in my life. When I don't sleep the fibro pain is acerbated, and then that causes me not to sleep. Ultimately causing my chronic fatigue. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to find a way out of. Exercise helps the fibro, but it can also cause more pain. I have to be careful to exercise every day, but not to exercise too much; and with being so tired all the time, I struggle to stay motivated to do anything. The lack of sleep and pain also cause depression, making the grief over losing both my parents a few years back linger.

Not sleeping well has also affected my memory. Though we all struggle with memory issues as we age, my memory problems became more of a concern, so much that my doctor ordered a brain scan done. I'm happy to say though, that she was pleasantly surprised to see that I do have a brain. :-) All was well with it too, so the doctor believes again that my worsening memory issues are due to my poor sleep habits and the chronic pain. That's a good thing...I guess. 

It seems almost daily lately I hear or read some news report that not sleeping enough can end your life earlier. How depressing is that??!!! Makes me so depressed I just want to sleep. But I can't!!!!

So anyway, what is is like to have a deep sleep every night? Are you in complete darkness, not remembering anything when you awaken? Do you have good dreams? I don't dream much...maybe because I don't sleep much and it's not usually a deep sleep when I do. Do mysterious beings clean your house while you're asleep. Maybe I never had any fairies or elves clean mine during the night because I never slept long enough for them to steal into my kitchen and wash my dishes without me knowing it. I wish I could tell them somehow that it's OK to do it while I'm awake! :-)

Anyway, it's good that the Lord got me back to this blog so that I had something to do while I was awake. I just finished reading my 70th book in the 2012 year...my goal was 50. I need another midnight hobby. Any ideas? 

I'll stop for now. It's 3am now and in just 2 more hours I will allow myself to make coffee. Woo hoo!!! I make myself wait till 5am just in case I can fall asleep before then. One of my sleep or sleeplessness rules. I may be falling apart everywhere else, but I do maintain my standards! :-)

I hope you had a great sleep. I'm going to lie back down and see if I can get some of that sleep I hear so much about.  

Pleasant Dreams!

Peggy

Smile

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day. I had to be at the airport by 4am and say goodbye to a good friend. Because of the early flight, the night before I didn't take the meds that would help me sleep. I was afraid I'd be in a haze and not wake up in time. Because I didn't get much sleep though, the fibro fog set in anyway. It had enveloped my brain as I rode to the airport, making it difficult to focus. The pain throughout my body was worse too.

To make matters worse, it was the first day of United and Continental Airlines merging. Their new computer system had glitches, so it took longer to check in. I felt relief when making it to security and it was my turn for a body scan. You know my head is messed up when I find joy in that! :-) My inward smile faded when I was told they'd need to pat me down; though as any good Christian would, I smiled and said, OK. Whoo hoo, more fun! I did request a private room though. I wasn't inclined to show by belly to everyone going through the security line. A girl needs some privacy! Before the pat down, security asked if I had any pain. YES...EVERYWHERE! I have Fibromyalgia! Of course I didn't say it in that tone outwardly. I'm not sure why the question though, they pat you down all over anyway. Thankfully though, the patting didn't aggrivate the pain, and no bombs or chemical residue were found on me. I was released to go to my gate...only to wait an extra 40 minutes before the plane flew out because of the ongoing computer problems.

I was late into San Francisco, but thankfully I had a long layover so didn't need to rush. I had plenty of time to get a simple (not so good) breakfast of eggs, sausage and toast for a mere $13. You really do need to be rich to travel! After sitting, walking, standing, walking and sitting again so as to avoid any additional fibro pain, it was time to line up to the gate to fly out...only to find the United computer problem still unresolved. The new system didn't accept boarding passes printed before the merge...anyone who'd checked in early had to check in again. I didn't let that get to me, though there was quite a bit of grumbling in the crowd. After another 45 minute delay, I was seated on the plane. In less than 2 minutes I discovered I was sitting next to grumpy pants; and within another 5 minutes, my airline attendant showed her foul mood as well. It was a  long 4 1/2 hour flight before I finally arrived in Chicago; but thankfully, we arrived safely and I'd not been snippy with anyone. Fighting through the emotions and dealing with fatigue and pain all day had taken a toll on me though.

This trip reminded me that there are so many instances in life which can affect us negatively if we allow it. Whether we are aware of it or not, our brain and heart are constantly making choices on how to deal with situations and people. We can make our day worse or better by how we respond to them. I believe that each time we make a decision to smile in the face of adversity...or at least, not outwardly scream...we are choosing a better way. It's our choice to be happy...or not. I didn't necessarily spill out with joy during my day of traveling, but I didn't bite anyone's head off either. That makes me happy. :-)

What stands out the most on my trip home was a young girl's smile. As I walked down the airplane aisle, I felt this tug on my sleeve and turned to see this small girl looking up at me. Her eyes seemed to twinkle as she showed me her sweet smile, and that one moment made me forget about the pain and fatigue, and had more impact than all the negatives put together. I believe when we allow the good feelings, however few, to outweigh the bad, God smiles too. Makes me think I should smile a little more too, so that maybe I might make it a better day for someone else...just like that little girl did for me.