My dog, Zoe, who is nicknamed "Monkey" because of how she likes to jump around, even up trees so she can chase squirrels :-)

Another Day in the Mind of a Monkey

Nothing new to write about. I remain in a poor sleep state, though I'm thankful that the fibro pain has lessened. The Trazadone the doctor prescribed to help me sleep isn't working as well as in the past. If this keeps up, I'll need to talk with her and maybe get a different med, though I don't like to change. I'd rather just not need the Trazadone or anything like it. I'm sick of meds and doctors, though I know too that I need them both. I just wish I didn't. I pray that someday I won't.

I wish too that my thoughts would slow down and be more focused. The monkey in my mind is still in control and running wild in my brain. It continues to scatter my thoughts and memories all over the place. Because of that, my mind stays awake, though not always in a coherent way. I constantly run down rabbit trails, never remembering from where I started and not staying in any one place long. I wonder if this is how a crazy person feels. Sometimes I think I am crazy. The monkey mind makes me tired...not just physically, but mentally too.  And the fatigue affects my emotions. I cry easily. I don't like how that feels and the effect it has on Marty when tears run from my eyes from out of nowhere. I make myself stop crying to alleviate his worry; but when I'm off by myself, the tears usually escape again. Most times, it happens for no real reason; but whether a reason or not, I try to not let myself stay in that place too long. I fear if I allow myself to dig a hole too deep, I won't be able to climb out. Even monkeys need to hang on to something (I just don't want it to be my mind. :-) There's not much to grab in a hole. No matter the depth of my emotions though, I do have an advantage...I have the Lord to hold onto. There's nothing too big or deep for our God. And if the monkey in my mind will allow it, I need to also remember that life for me really isn't that bad. I'm just tired. :-)

I did walk more today...hoping the exercise will help my brain shut down later. I've done close to 22,000 steps; and if the weather wasn't so stinkin' cold here in Illinois I might have walked more! I really miss the warmer weather of the south. I'd love to be lying on a beach. If not that, walking in the desert sands of New Mexico. Bottom line...I want/need the sun and warmer weather. Oh well...I'll survive the pain, fatigue and monkey mind...even in the cold, windy Chicago suburbs. :-) Hope you're doing well!

Call 911. I feel like a truck ran over me! Just kidding of course. It's really just that my grandkids were with me for four days. That's twin 4-year-olds and one 9-year-old, which means less sleep and more fibro pain. It's worth it though. I love being with my grandkids, though always thankful when I get to rest after they're gone. :-)

I was thinking about how I cleaned the house before the grandkids came over. Why do I do that??? I think because I want to show them the same respect I'd show an adult that was coming to visit, but also because I know they'll be on the floor, playing with their toys on the coffee tables and God only knows what else. Because of that, I want all the areas clean for them. What's odd about cleaning before their visit, is that within 5 minutes, everything they brought from home is sitting around and the tubs of toys that we keep for each of them here is dumped out on the floor, spread from room to room. Someone could walk in and it'd look like I never cleaned. How does my daughter and other moms do it??? I only had one child and thought that kept me busy enough. I think what I've learned through having grandkids is that you can't get too stuck on things being orderly. The time with the kids is what's important, not how the place looks. Anyway, though it didn't look like it long, I am still glad I cleaned before Isabel (9), Gage (4) and Caelan (4) came. I guess that's what it's all about...me doing what I think is right before their visit, and then enjoying them while they're here.

During the 4 days that the grandkids were here, it seemed like I was constantly picking up, cooking meals, serving snacks and washing dishes. I didn't worry too much about all the toys being on the floor, though I did keep telling the the kids to move them out of the walking path for safety's sake; and I played and read with the kids too, so it wasn't all work. That's where the special memories are, though the most painful ones...meaning getting down on the floor with them is much harder than it used to be. :-) All 3 kids slept in a bedroom with me too...well I should say me and 3 dogs...so that was an adventure in itself. My husband was smart and slept in another room...he got some sleep! :-)

Though the fibro pain is worse now and I'm more tired than before my grandkids came over, I never regret the time I had with them. I am enjoying the quietness of today though, while thanking God for bringing those wonderful children into my life. :-)

Ugh! Pain Reigns!

Bronchitis is better, though not totally gone. Much better than it was though. Woo hoo!! Bad news though is the fibro pain is back. What's up with that??? Can't a girl get a break? I'd like a day when I'm not tired, not dealing with asthma or other respiratory problems; when I have no sinus issues; no pain of any kind, and my body overall is in good health. I want to feel joy, but it's difficult to feel happiness to that depth when you don't ever feel good. I don't forget though, and am thankful, that I don't have cancer, aids or other life-threatening or debilitating ailments. But does that mean I should feel guilty for wanting to have a few days of good health?  I do feel guilty though. Though I'm just trying to be open with my thoughts now, I feel at risk of being looked at as an ungrateful whiner. Maybe the problem is, I see myself that way. I grew up thinking I shouldn't complain, and still struggle within myself when I share negative thoughts. It makes me think I'm weak emotionally because I'm not quiet about my physical issues. It's hard to break free from that mindset, even when sharing how I feel in this blog.

To go on though...I had less than stellar sleep until around 1am last night. I tossed and turned a lot. By 3am, I couldn't sleep at all. No matter which way I turned, one or more areas of my body felt pain. I started out sleeping in my bed, then moved to the recliner, the sofa, and ultimately back to the recliner. I gave up on sleep totally around 4:30 this morning. With all that said, the fibro pain was not as bad as it's been at other times, so I can be thankful for that. I am still very tired though...not so thankful for that. :-)