I Feel Cruddy! 

It s been a rough few days. I've had a chest cold that has gotten worse each day. My husband has it too. I guess I'm the one that passed it to him since I showed symptoms first. I'm not sure who I can blame...not that blaming someone would make me feel better physically. It might perk me up mentally though. I then could rant inside saying, "How could you give me your cold!" I can't see myself getting mad at someone for this though...inside or out. It's just the way it is. Some people are just blessed with more crap...oops, did I say that out loud? I meant crud. :-)

Though I was joking with that last statement, it does at times feel like I have more health issues than others. I'm not whining when I say that...just sharing how it looks on certain days. I don't wish bad health, or any other kind issue on others; though I do sometimes wish I was like them...seemingly perfect specimens of health. The truth is though, I don't know what they are dealing with. It could be that those I judge as being totally healthy are dealing with much more, or worse issues. That's a reminder for me not to judge.

Just like I shouldn't judge others on their health issues, I don't want to be judged by mine either. Too many people will ask you how you feel but don't really care. When one lady heard I had kidney disease, she asked how I was doing. I responded that I was doing well, except for having a little trouble with asthma. Her response was, "Wow! You have a lot wrong with you!" I didn't need that reminder; plus, her words made me feel as if she saw me as pathetic. Another lady asked me how I was doing, and this time when I said I had a sinus infection but good otherwise, she replied, "I was just trying to make conversation." In other words, she didn't really care how I was doing, and I shared too much information. It feels like some people see you as weak overall when you aren't as physically healthy as them. I don't like to be thought of as weak. I doubt anyone does.

Because of those and similar responses, when asked how I'm doing, I usually just say, "I'm OK." That's my code for, "I'm dealing with the same crud as usual". I don't feel like I'm lying...just not telling everyone what it means. If they ask more I will respond truthfully, but usually they don't. When most people ask how you are, it seems more like a pleasantry than something they really want to know; though I have told the meaning of "OK" to those I care about. Just responding, "I'm OK," also helps me. It's a little depressing to continually hear my health issues out loud. Plus, it's better when I don't focus on them (though still deal with them medically as I should). Rather than dwell on how I feel, I try to distract myself. Writing this blog has helped tonight. Though I've coughed off and on throughout it, I've not thought much about the cold. I'm too busy ranting about it here! :-)

An additional truth of mine is that because of my health issues I, at times, see myself as pathetic; and when I share with others how I feel or what I'm dealing with, I feel whiny. That's probably why it so easy to think others view me that way too. Judging myself is no better than others judging me. Writing this blog in general was a way to make myself share the truth of how I feel or think at the risk of being looked at as pathetic or whiny. It's not easy for me to do this. What I hope though is that through this, I will learn to feel better about myself and not worry so much what others think. Though I do like myself for the most part, I need to like all of me. And if I judge myself for having health issues or being overweight, most likely, I judge others in the same way. I don't want to do that either.

So, my goal is to not judge me or others; and through that, learn to like myself more...even with all my ailments. I'm reminded too that even in the worst of times, God never gives me more than I can handle. Though I have this cold, I have no fibromyalgia or knee pain. That's something to be thankful for. :-) When it does feel like too much, I try to remember that God is with me. I'm never alone, and I can always tell him the truth with no risk of condemnation or judgment. He already knows all that I am and loves me unconditionally. I may feel cruddy, but I'm not crud! :-)

Time to grab another cough drop. Pray that I don't become addicted to them during this time. I've gone through a big bag today...maybe my brain is confused and think they're candy. :-