My Weight...

Ive been so out of it the last month that I forgot about my goal to lose 25 pounds (I think) by the end of March. Ive not even been trying so not anywhere close to that. The reality is, I've gained instead. I could beat myself up for that, but what good would that do??? When I feel mentally able, I will just have to try again. I don't have it in me now to even worry about it. Getting through the day with no goals seems difficult enough, though I will try to limit how many spoons of Nutella I shovel into my mouth, so that I hopefully don't gain more weight. :-)

Recovering...

Its been awhile. I had extensive sinus surgery 10 days ago. I thought that by now I'd be able to breathe through my nose, blow my nose and get back to normal activities. Unfortunately though, my nose and the areas around it that were worked on aren't healing as well, or as fast, as expected. Because of that, the ENT doctor extended my post-op recovery time till I see him again on April 2nd. I was told the only walking I could do was around the house, and that I was to avoid being outside, and not to do much else. He also stressed multiple times that I was not to bend or lift, saying if my nose started bleeding, it couldn't be stopped in the office..I would have to be operated on. So another three weeks of being a slug. When all this is over, I should be able to breathe better through both my nose and mouth, and the constant headaches will be gone, but I may have butt and back sores from sitting in the recliner too much. :-)

Because of the surgery, it's been almost two weeks since Ive seen my daughter and grandkids. I already miss them, so can't wait three more weeks before I see them. The doctor said I can drive, so as soon as I have a little more energy, I need to plan a visit. I feel shaky and weak yet now...very tired too. The doctor said thats normal, but I'm hoping I feel more myself soon (even though my normal self isn't that energetic either :-)

The good news is that other than some shoulder pain, the fibro hasn't been too bad. So as I've seen before, the Lord has not given me more than I can handle. Thank you, Lord, for being with me during the surgery and after, and for giving me Marty. I couldn't ask for a better husband. He's been by my side in all of this and helping me in any way that he can.

I'm watching the taped show of "Survivor". I've always liked these types of shows, because I feel like I'm a survivor. If the layers of ailments were taken from my body, I believe you'd find someone strong inside, both physically and emotionally. My body continues to betray the inner me though and doesn't allow that girl to come out. I wish I could peel away the pain, stiffness and fatigue to see the real me.

They're having their first immunity challenge in this new season of Survivor. As each team races through it, I envision myself as one of them. I really can see my inner self competing in these challenges and doing well. I think being able to see myself that way, though my body shows something totally different, is what gets me out of bed each day...that and it being too painful to stay in it. :-) There's still a part of me that believes the real me will gain control again someday.

At the end of each episode of Survivor, someone is voted out. I am a survivor of fibromyaliga, and each morning that I rise from my bed, I have voted to keep myself in the game of life. My daily immunity challenge is to not give up, and to keep doing what I need to do to live life to the fullest. While still being considerate of my limitations, I make plans and follow through on them. When each day is done, I don't go to bed regretting that I pushed myself past the pain and fatigue. Continuing to live with the living is what keeps my hopes and dreams alive for a better next day. Maybe it will be then that Team Peggy will win in the game of life over Team Fibromyalgia, and then become the real me again. :-)

Emotional Funk

It's been a rough week emotionally. The anniversary of my mom's death is tomorrow. It's still hard on me. Too many regrets. Mostly regrets that I didn't spend more time with her. My head reminds me that it's not good to live in the past, but my heart isn't listening at the moment. The family birthday party for my grandkids is tomorrow too. That will help. Isabel, Gage and Caelan seem to always be able to make me smile. Maybe time with them is what I need to get out of this emotional funk. :-)

I've been eating too much the last week or so too...and not doing much otherwise. Maybe because of how I've felt emotionally, along with the ongoing pain and fatigue, a part of me quit caring about myself and what is good for me. I've basically got a bad attitude and that showed up on the scale. I gained 6 pounds. Though I know I'm dealing with some water retention too, probably the better part of that weight gain came from making bad eating choices and not exercising. I'm hoping that once I get past this emotional anniversary, I'll move forward in a more positive way. I have to somehow get past these emotions, the pain and fatigue, and then do what I need to do to get into better health overall. It's a daily struggle that I can't give up on or my hope is gone.

I want to write more, but don't have much in me today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. :-)

What Can I Eat???

A couple of nights ago, I read a blog written by a doctor at www.discussfibromyalgia.com. Dr. Ashley Rusnak wrote about how to lessen symptoms of fibromyalgia, or joint pain, and listed the following foods to avoid:

* Soda pop, coffee and alcohol
* High fat dairy
* Gluten                              
* White sugar and white flour
* Trans fat & fried food
* Red meats, especially cured & smoked
* Nutrasweet & Saccharine

I'm not questioning this doctor's knowledge, but wouldn't it be easier to write what we can have? She did say though that fibromyalgia sufferers report less joint pain when on a raw-food, vegan diet, which includes fruits, vegetables, legumes, cereals, nuts and seeds. And I'm certain that no food shown in the image above is on the approved list, though that dog looks very happy and without pain of any kind. :-)

All kidding aside, I suspect Dr. Rusak knows what she's talking about, and all those food listed would be good to avoid. However, I'm not sure I have the discipline to remove all of them from my food pantry...or belly. :-) It might benefit me though to cut one from my diet and then see if it makes a positive difference. If it does, maybe later I'll have the motivation to remove another.

I already avoid trans fat and fried food, and rarely have alcohol. I also don't eat much red meat or high fat dairy. Cutting gluten, white sugar and white flour seems too overwhelming right now, and I flat out refuse to quit drinking coffee. I require it to survive! What I will TRY to do, is remove diet pop from my diet. I've heard many times that it's not a good for you.

Trying to quit drinking Diet Coke might just be something else I fail at, but I'll never win if I don't try. And whether I accomplish this goal or not, I am not a failure. When I allow negative emotions to gain control, I may at times feel like I am, but I'm not being fair to myself when I do. No one is a failure. We just, at times, fail; thankfully though, it's not all of who we are. :-)

OK, enough chit chat. It's time to focus on another goal...exercise. :-)

Bubbles

I'm dragging today, but what's new??? :-(

Though this blog is about fibromyalgia, I'm tired of writing about its negative symptoms. I want to write about something different in my life. It feels though like I'm in this bubble that I can't get out of. I press my face against its surface to watch the world outside and see others doing what I want to do, but don't feel able. I'm too tired. 

I want to cry when I write about my limitations. Though I chose to write this blog, I don't want to be seen as the girl (or woman :-) I portray here. It is who I am right now, but it's not who I want to be. I want to be the Peggy I was before fibromyalgia. Unfortunately though, it's changed me. On this day, I am who I am and have to accept that. What I can't resign myself to though, is that it'll always be this way. So I continue to push, sometimes slam myself, against this fibromyalgia bubble; hoping that someday I'll burst through it and see the real me again. 

I've decided it's again time to slam that fibro bubble; and hope that with enough impact, I'll be amongst the living again. At the very least, maybe I'll feel more alive. I've made a decision to go on a mission trip with my church. I'll either go to Puerto Rico or Cambodia. They are both 10 day construction trips. Though the work involved on the trip may make my body scream, I don't care. I won't continue to allow fibromyalgia to completely strip me of me; plus, I believe the Lord will help me through it. Some might ask...why not just walk around the block more. My response is that walking around the block isn't enough motivation to push me past the pain and fatigue. I need more. Reminding myself that there are people with bigger struggles than me, and helping them in whatever way I can, might give me the push I need to burst through that fibromyalgia bubble.

Though I'll continue to have my daily struggles with fibro and/or other ailments, this mission trip will give me a positive to focus on; and with God's help, push me beyond the fatigue and pain. Instead of thinking so much about what I can't do, I'll be reminded of what I can do...not just for me, but for others too. My mood has changed since starting this blog...now the only bubbles on my mind are those you sink into when you bathe. Those are best kind of bubbles to be in...they can soothe your fibro pain and stiffness, and give your emotions a lift too!  :-).

Weigh-in Day! 

It's Monday and my 1st weigh-in day for my 25 loss goal. Good news! I'm not as fluffy as I was on the the 24th! I lost .6 pounds. OK, that may not seem like a lot, but it has only been 4 days since I started and I did have a couple of days when I didn't do as well as I wanted in regard to controlling how much I ate. So, I'm happy with the 6/10th of a pound. Though it's only been 4 days since starting this goal, I managed to walk 66,260 steps. I surpassed my goal of 50,000 steps for the week. Because of that, I'm going to increase my steps goal for next week. I'm going to make it 70,000 steps. That'll mean I'll have to average the 10,000 steps per day that is recommended for each person. Let's hope I don't embarrass myself and not even make the goal of 50,000 that I set for this last week. :-) Wish me luck!

OK...time to drive to Elmhurst to watch my grandkids. Too bad I can't count the 25+ miles it takes to get there. Depending on your stride, it's estimated that there are 2000 steps for every mile. I could really rack up some steps! Since driving the steps doesn't count though, I'll have to stick to what the pedometer tells me after I walk. :-)

Gotta Go! Hope you have a great day!

25 Pounds

I made a goal to lose 25 pounds by the end of March. I don't have a lot of faith in myself when it comes to goals. It seems like I've failed too many times, especially in this area. Because of that, I find it  difficult to believe in myself now; but, I'll never accomplish this, or any other, goal if I don't keep trying. Losing 25 pounds is important for my health and happiness, so it's a goal that is worth pursuing, even at the high risk of it being another failure. In truth, I need to lose much more than 25 pounds, but I don't want to overwhelm myself. I tried to set a reasonable goal to be accomplished in a reasonable amount of time. We'll see how it goes. :-)

Ok...I first weighed in on January 24th. Now I'm going to weigh in on Mondays to get my weight loss for the week. This first Monday (January 28th), it won't be a full week, but that's OK. I'm still hoping I'll have lost something, though 2 out of those 4 days I didn't do as well as I'd like. :-( Starting with my weigh-in tomorrow, on each Monday (or the day after if I'm not able to write that Monday), I'm going to share my loss or gain on this blog as a way to be responsible.

For me to lose, I need to exercise. My metabolism has slowed down too much in recent years to try and lose weight without that. I'm not a young chicken anymore. :-) So an additional goal I made is to walk 50,000+ steps per week. It's recommended that you walk 10,000 steps per day, so I'm giving myself a break with the 50,000+. But because I watch my grandkids out-of-town two days a week, I'm trying to be fair to myself. It's hard to get exercise in those days, though if I do, it'll be a bonus. :-)

If you have fibromyaliga, you already know that exercise can be difficult because of the pain, stiffness and fatigue. Because of that, I need God's help in accomplishing these goals. I ask now that the Lord to help me; and if you're struggling in some way, I ask the Lord to help you as well. With that said, I guess it's time to do a little exercise. :-)

Hope

Before writing in my blog, I first read another blog about fibromyaliga. Reading Leah Tyler's thoughts helped me. She seemed to be in the same place I was/am the last few days, so it made me not feel so alone. If you want to read a great blog, go to http://chroniclesoffibro.blogspot.com. If you're dealing with fibro or something similar, I think Leah's writing will encourage you.

In the last few days, I've dealt more with the fibro fog...it feels like the air is really thick as I move through it. My head can't focus, and my mind drifts off into nothingness more than normal. It's kind of like I'm walking through a dense cloud. I feel grumpy, and sad too. Sad because my energy level is even lower than normal, sad because most of my body hurts in some way, and sad because I'm sad. I don't like to feel this way, but I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of there always being something wrong with me, and just plain tired from not sleeping well. I want to crawl into a hole and hide, but know I can't. As always, I have to push myself through these tougher days and have hope that the next day will be better.

To add to the fibromyalgia issues, my asthma is worse. The cold, dry air of Illinois isn't good for my lungs. And then yesterday, I was told I needed sinus surgery. My nasal cavities have narrowed, meaning if they aren't widened, I will go back into a stage of chronic sinus infections and lung problems. Since I have enough of those issues already, I don't need more; hence, the surgery is scheduled for February 27th. The surgery doesn't scare me...I've had it twice before. It does affect me emotionally. It feels like the sinus issue being this bad is one more thing wrong with me. There's already a whole list of ailments which sidetrack me from being who I want to be.

I keep hoping to some day feel as good as the Peggy from 10 years back. The bygone days of no fibromyagia symptoms, and before the asthma, allergies and sinus problems got worse...before the kidney issues too. That's crazy talk though. I am who I am on this day, and the Peggy from the past will never return. It's natural to change as we age, so I can't be who I was then. I don't think it is normal though to age in the way I have...to feel so different in regards to my energy and overall health. I see many my age who do much better. My body and mind have probably aged 20 years in the past 10. My hope though is that this sinus surgery will allow me to feel better in one way, and maybe that'll get me a little closer to the Peggy I think I should be at this age. That hope keeps the sadness from overtaking my life. A girl has to hope or she has nothing to hang onto. :-)

Though today my spirit and body are dragging, I am reminded of the Scarlett O'Hara saying in the movie, Gone With the Wind, "After all, tomorrow is another day." I have to believe that in my tomorrows, I will feel better both mentally and physically, and that will help my emotions too. Believing that is what keeps my hope alive, and with hope we can do about anything. It's what gets me out of bed each day. I hope your tomorrows will be good as well! :-)

Hope never abandons you, you abandon it. ~ George Weinberg

God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us - in the dreariest and most dreaded moments - can see a possibility of hope. ~ Maya Angelou

Hope is the physician of each misery. ~ Irish Proverb

Fibromyalgia - What is it?

Based on articles I've read on various sites, such as Mayo Clinic's, Arthritis Foundation and ThirdAge.com, I thought I'd share a little more info on what fibromyalgia is all about. 


Fibromyalgia is a complex, chronic and debilitating health problem that causes widespread musculoskeletal pain and stiffness, in conjunction with specific areas of tenderness. Like arthritis, fibro is considered a rheumatic condition which impairs the joints and soft tissues of the body. Tender points on the neck, shoulders, back, hips,  arms and/or legs can hurt when even a small amount of pressure is applied. This pain and stiffness may come and go, and move around the body. People with this long-term syndrome are very tired and have ongoing sleep problems; i.e., me :-(. Medical experts believe that fibro patients are unable to reach the restorative stage of sleep that most healthy people experience. Because of this and other symptoms, those with fibromyalgia may also deal with anxiety and depression. Symptoms and related problems can vary in intensity, and will go up and down over time. Stress worsens the symptoms of fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia affects 2-4% of people, 80-90% of those are women. It's usually diagnosed based on the patient's symptoms, along with the number of tender points.  At this point, there is no cure for fibro, though medications and/or holistic treatments can relieve some of the symptoms.  Getting enough sleep and exercise is very important, but both can be difficult to accomplish because of the ongoing symptoms of fibromyalgia. It's a vicious cycle...you need to exercise daily to lessen the pain and stiffness, but the pain, stiffness and fatigue make it more of a struggle to get to the place of feeling able to exercise. Sleep is also needed to lessen the overall symptoms, but with fibromyalgia it's rare that you get the quality of rest that you need. I find that very frustrating. :-( I think this in itself is what can cause the anxiety and depression...at least it does for me. 

Fibromyalgia Symptoms:

• Tenderness to touch or pressure affecting joints and muscles

• Pain in multiple areas of body

• Stiffness

• Fatigue 

• Sleep problems (can't sleep and/or waking up unrefreshed)
• Problems with memory or thinking clearly

• Fogginess...head feeling like it's in a cloud
• Unable to focus

• Depression or anxiety

• Migraine or tension headaches

• Digestive problems

• Irritable or overactive bladder

• Pelvic pain

• Sex drive diminished

• Temporomandibular disorder—often called TMJ (face or jaw pain, jaw clicking and ringing in the ears

What Causes It?
The causes of fibromyalgia are unclear. They may be different in different people. Fibro can also run in families (my Mom was diagnosed with it a couple of years before she passed). There likely are certain genes that can make people more prone to getting fibromyalgia and the other health problems that can occur with it. Genes alone though, do not cause the onset of fibromyalgia.

There is most often some triggering factor that sets off fibromyalgia. It may be spine problems, arthritis, injury, or other type of physical stress, like another chronic illness. Emotional stress can also trigger fibro. The result is a change in the way the body "talks" with the spinal cord and brain. Levels of brain chemicals and proteins may change. For the person with fibromyalgia, it is as though the "volume control" is turned up too high in the brain's pain processing center. 

Me and Fibromyalgia
I've not had any real physical trauma, but I've had chronic illness throughout my life, along with a few traumatic events. And when first diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I was working in a very stressful environment. I think chronic illness, emotional trauma and my genes set me up to get fibro; and then with the depth of the stress I felt at that job, I fell off the edge of a somewhat healthy life and into the foggy, tiring and painful world of fibromyalgia.

As with all things in life though, I've had to accept the challenge of living with fibromyalgia.There's been many days when I thought it was beating me...when I felt more tired emotionally from it. Most days though, I win. I won't allow it it kick me down long-term, giving into the pain and fatigue. I'll continue to push myself past the symptoms and live as full a life as possible. :-)

It's Good To Have Children in Our Lives

Yesterday, I had a great day with our oldest granddaughter, Isabel. She turns 10 this week, so we spent the day trying to make her feel special in different ways as a way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. It was a nice time and I could tell she was happy. Seeing her happy made me happy.

When my mom and dad died a few years back, I was reminded of what an impact kids have on me. Babies, children and animals of all kinds have always been able to make me smile, even at my most disheartened times. When dealing with the loss of my parents though, it was only my grandkids who could turn my frown upside down. :-) I hid myself away from everyone else, both physically and emotionally. Though Isabel, Gage and Caelan have their bad moments; for the most part, they are just innocent, loving, fun and funny children who by just being themselves can remind you what is important in life. No matter the depth of sadness I might feel otherwise, they can keep me from diving deeper into that hole of depression. When I am with them, my bucket of tears dries up and smiles and laughter prevail. They are like grief counselors without even knowing it. It's been over 4 years, but now when I think of Mom and Dad, the grief doesn't have the hold on me like it once did. I can even laugh when fun memories of them come to mind. In the past, I only cried. I don't think I'd be at that place even yet if not for my grandkids. With them I am reminded that it's not the dead who are most important in our lives, it's the living. I will always miss and love my parents, and others I've lost and will lose in the future, but I want to focus most on those who are alive. That will keep me in the present. It's there, not the past or the future, where we find the most joy. My grandkids help me live in the now by distracting me from the past and the future. They give me a way to focus on the very moment I'm in...that adds to my happiness, and theirs.

As with sadness and grief, Isabel, Gage and Caelan make living with fibromyalgia and other health issues easier too. Though I'm always tired, and usually in pain, I don't notice it so much when I'm with them. I'll also extend beyond my comfort zone for them, which I think can be good for my body. The grandkids are a wonderful distraction no matter what life brings me. Because of that I need to do all I can to stay healthy so that I can continue to enjoy all the time God gives me with them, along with all of those whom I love.

Thank you, Lord, for my grandkids (and for my daughter who birthed them)! :-)

Stress, Illness, Trauma, Nightmares and Me

It was another night when I didn't sleep well or much, but I'm not going to complain. I have had a couple of decent nights of sleep this week. I'm thankful for that. One night I even had a good dream. I rarely dream, probably because I rarely get into that REM sleep that allows you to dream. Most of my life I've struggled with sleep. When I was a kid, it was mainly due to asthma. I don't know if there were drugs for asthma back then, but if there were, we most likely couldn't afford it. I was mainly given hot tea to drink, and then because of my mom having to work so much to keep us fed, my Grandma would be the one rubbing Vicks Vapor Rub all over my neck, chest and below my nose. I hated that, but it did help in some way...seemed to open up my sinuses and lungs. When the asthma was at its worst though, I was taken to emergency, and there given oxygen and adrenaline of some kind to open up my lungs. Sometimes I'd have to stay for a week. My grandmother on my Dad's side died from being treated for asthma, so he was the most scared when I dealt with asthma. I kind of got used to it. I still have severe asthma, but it's more controlled now. Thank God for that, or it'd one more thing to keep me awake. Dealing with fibro is enough. :-)

I don't remember having many dreams as a kid either. I remember a few nightmares though. A recurring one at age six was about a ghost. I'd dream that Mom told me to hang some laundry out on the clothes line in the evening when it was dark. Every time I'd try to pin a piece of clothing to the line, a ghost would bite one of my fingers. After the ghost bit 3 fingers, I'd cry and run down the street a couple of blocks until I was at the gas station where my dad worked. I'd jump up on him and he'd hold me, and then I'd feel safe again. I had that dream three nights in a row. I'm assuming it came out of being afraid of the dark and/or ghosts, but I can't remember what brought it on. Another dream I had multiple times around the age seven was me falling off a bridge. A few times when this happened, I'd wake up on the floor, having fallen out of bed. The nightmares got worse later in life.

When I was eight, I was sexually abused by my Uncle Billy who was just seven years older than me; and for many years, raised like my brother. Though that abuse ended when my family found out, I wasn't talked to about it and the nightmares from it lasted for more than a year. I'd dream I was floating in space all by myself and couldn't get back home. I was afraid and felt very alone. It got to the point that I would try to avoid sleeping so I wouldn't go into this dream.

When I was ten, as I walked with my two younger brothers down the street one day, a drunk driver drove up onto the sidewalk. I was able to pull my two-year-old brother, Allen, out of the way, but couldn't get to my six-year-old brother, Kenny. He was a few steps behind me. I remember seeing his head crushed in from the tire. He died less than six hours later. The recurring nightmare from that day followed me into adulthood. I questioned what I could have done to keep Kenny alive...maybe walked down a different road, not let him walk behind me, etc. The guilt added to the trauma of the accident. The police found the drunk driver painting his car, and he was found guilty of man slaughter. His sentence was to pay my mother $35 each month for 3 years, meaning the court only valued my brother's life at $1,260.00.  Even at just 10-years-old, that made me angry; but as with all my emotions then, I kept it to myself. I didn't talk to anyone about anything related to Kenny's death until I was around 30 years old.

At 16, I was raped by knife point. I didn't tell anyone and again blamed myself for not being smart enough to avoid it. It brought on more nightmares. Before this, I wanted to be an artist, but that dream died too. After it, I also began to  disobey my parents more. I'd ask to do something, but when told "no", I'd do it anyway. That meant I'd get a beating from my stepdad, but I didn't care. I didn't cry when he hit me either, no matter how much it hurt. Before my 16th year ended, my mom kicked me out...telling me to move to my dad's in another state. That went OK for a while, but then one day I left his house to go to school and just never went back home. I either stayed with friends, a family I'd just met, or just walked up and down the streets (sometimes the police would offer me a ride to somewhere safe to get me off the streets :-). Not sure why I left Dad's though...he didn't do anything to cause it. I wasn't into drinking, drugs or sleeping around either. I was alone most of the time...just numb. It was kind of like I was walking through life dead. I was on the inside.

There was more to life before and after those times though...good and bad. It wasn't till I was around 30 though when I made my first real friend. It was a time when I was drinking too much. For some reason though, when I met Len, I trusted him more than I did others. I realize now it's because God was in his heart, and He showed through. Even with Len, I was still closed up in areas, but he talked with me about the Lord and that changed me. I accepted His son, Jesus, into my own life; and with time, my heart became more open to others too. Because God filled that emotional hole in me, I finally had something to give. I now have a great relationship with my husband, Marty, and a few exceptionally good friends. An added bonus is that my nightmares were taken away too. The past no longer has a hold on me. Occasionally, assuming I sleep, I might still have nightmare, but now it's not related to any trauma, it's just bad pizza. :-)

Most experts believe that fibromyalgia is linked to stress, illness and trauma. As you read above, my life had all of them, so no real surprise that fibro chose me (I'm such a lucky girl :-). I made the trauma worse though by shutting down emotionally. Maybe as a child, teen and young adult, I didn't know any better...wasn't equipped to deal with life's setbacks. Now I am though. I have the Lord, my husband, family and good friends to help me through them; and when you look past the fibro symptoms, you can see that I'm no longer the sad, tortured little girl that grew up feeling alone. Most days I'm happy.

My dog, Zoe, who is nicknamed "Monkey" because of how she likes to jump around, even up trees so she can chase squirrels :-)

Another Day in the Mind of a Monkey

Nothing new to write about. I remain in a poor sleep state, though I'm thankful that the fibro pain has lessened. The Trazadone the doctor prescribed to help me sleep isn't working as well as in the past. If this keeps up, I'll need to talk with her and maybe get a different med, though I don't like to change. I'd rather just not need the Trazadone or anything like it. I'm sick of meds and doctors, though I know too that I need them both. I just wish I didn't. I pray that someday I won't.

I wish too that my thoughts would slow down and be more focused. The monkey in my mind is still in control and running wild in my brain. It continues to scatter my thoughts and memories all over the place. Because of that, my mind stays awake, though not always in a coherent way. I constantly run down rabbit trails, never remembering from where I started and not staying in any one place long. I wonder if this is how a crazy person feels. Sometimes I think I am crazy. The monkey mind makes me tired...not just physically, but mentally too.  And the fatigue affects my emotions. I cry easily. I don't like how that feels and the effect it has on Marty when tears run from my eyes from out of nowhere. I make myself stop crying to alleviate his worry; but when I'm off by myself, the tears usually escape again. Most times, it happens for no real reason; but whether a reason or not, I try to not let myself stay in that place too long. I fear if I allow myself to dig a hole too deep, I won't be able to climb out. Even monkeys need to hang on to something (I just don't want it to be my mind. :-) There's not much to grab in a hole. No matter the depth of my emotions though, I do have an advantage...I have the Lord to hold onto. There's nothing too big or deep for our God. And if the monkey in my mind will allow it, I need to also remember that life for me really isn't that bad. I'm just tired. :-)

I did walk more today...hoping the exercise will help my brain shut down later. I've done close to 22,000 steps; and if the weather wasn't so stinkin' cold here in Illinois I might have walked more! I really miss the warmer weather of the south. I'd love to be lying on a beach. If not that, walking in the desert sands of New Mexico. Bottom line...I want/need the sun and warmer weather. Oh well...I'll survive the pain, fatigue and monkey mind...even in the cold, windy Chicago suburbs. :-) Hope you're doing well!

Too Many Thoughts

It's another night when I'm struggling to sleep. Pain isn't too bad...just monkey mind. My brain is flitting around and finding no place to stop. I'll list a few thoughts as they crowd in and out of my mind:

• The ceiling fan looks like a star
• I wonder if Mao Clinic thinks eating wheat causes inflammation and weight gain?
• What's that light...oh yea, it's the bathroom light I left on
• Wish my back wasn't hurting
• Wonder why Daisy is restless
• Do I have enough water in my glass...my throat has been staying dry
• I wonder if Marty turned the heat down before we went to bed
• My front tooth feels sensitive
• I read 71 books last year...starting my 3rd this year...what should my goal be for the year? Maybe I shouldn't make one...I just read what I read anyway and who really cares???
• I've been lying up here almost 3 hours and still don't feel like I can sleep
• I've got to exercise tomorrow...can't be lazy like today
• I hope Isabel likes the birthday gifts we got her
• Peanut and Zoe go to the groomer tomorrow...wish I'd put it off
• Need to review some manuscripts...Karen might have responses for me too
• Don't know why I'm having more trouble breathing today
• I should make that chicken- vegetable soup - I think I have everything for it
• Think I'll eat wheat again...not sure it is as bad as that book made it out to be - I really believe that everything is OK in moderation; plus I won't stick with it long-term anyway. I never do with stuff like that...maybe cause I don't have any faith in myself
• That light in the bathroom bugs me...feel like the dogs need it though
• Wish I could sleep like Marty...he goes right to sleep and sleeps well for the most part
• Gotta remember to pickup that gift at Best Buy
• I took Mom for granted...did I think she was going to live forever??? She was 72!
• Wish I had nothing to do tomorrow
• The blog site needs more backgrounds...I'm bored with all they have...it's a free site though so I guess I shouldn't complain
• Isabel told me I was too nice the other day...started to tell her that you can never be too nice, but then wondered if that was true...it's cool that she thinks I'm nice though
• My feet feel cold even with all this cover
• My neck hurts...shoulders too
• Gotta find a new position...hips are hurting worse 
• Need to get that cheese for Gage before Monday
• The quilting basics class is on a day I can go now, but I'm not sure I have the energy for it now
• Looks like a shadow of some kind on the ceiling
• Wish this cough would go away...I'm really tired of it

Enough talk of my monkey mind...it's too much to keep up with; plus, it's kind of depressing to hear myself think. When I don't write my thoughts, they fly from my brain without much attention paid to them. When I write or say my thoughts out loud, they have more impact on my emotions. That can be bad.

I do feel sleepier now. Maybe by listing the sometimes mindless matters that clutter my brain, I bored myself into a sleepy state. I can only hope! :-) 

Can't Sleep

It's after 1am and I can't sleep. The fibro pain is bad. I tossed and turned in bed for 3 hours. Now I'm in a recliner in the family room eating an apple...hoping that resting here will help in some way. Maybe being in a new position will lessen the pain on those pressure points; plus, sometimes it's just good to get out of bed. It's very frustrating to lie there for so long when I'm fighting sleep. I normally avoid pain meds and just try to deal with the body aches because of the affect drugs can have on my kidneys, but I broke down and took two. I'll be watching the grandkids again tomorrow so need some relief so I can hopefully get a few hours of rest.

I thought since I wasn't able to doze off yet I'd blog, but I'm not sure what to write about. I'm really tired and not much seems to be happening in my brain. You'd think that when your body isn't able to sleep that your brain would be awake too, but that's not the case...at least not with me. Maybe if I sit here long enough, or continue to babble about nothing, some invaluable thought will enter my brain that I can share. So far nothing though....

I can tell I'm tired. I was just remembering when I was a kid in Texas and chased armadillos for fun. Never did catch one of them. You wouldn't think they'd be that fast but they can really move for a little armored rat. Not like the road runner though. I'd see those while at school in New Mexico. I was supposed to be listening to the teacher, but a lot of the time I'd be looking out the classroom window. Sometimes I'd see one of those little road runners racing by in the sand (no coyote chasing after them though). :-) I'd smile each time I saw one and be amazed at their speed. I've always loved all kinds of creatures. One of my favorite things in New Mexico was hearing the hyenas at night. We'd be sitting out on the porch and it would sound like they were laughing. Illinois is so different from the places I lived as a kid. I miss the southwest.

The meds are helping. The pain is less, but I still don't feel like I can sleep. I'm going to quit trying to blog though since I'm doubtful that much will pop into my head, other than random thoughts that travel from one rabbit trail to the next without making a whole lot of sense. :-) Hope you're sleeping well!

Call 911. I feel like a truck ran over me! Just kidding of course. It's really just that my grandkids were with me for four days. That's twin 4-year-olds and one 9-year-old, which means less sleep and more fibro pain. It's worth it though. I love being with my grandkids, though always thankful when I get to rest after they're gone. :-)

I was thinking about how I cleaned the house before the grandkids came over. Why do I do that??? I think because I want to show them the same respect I'd show an adult that was coming to visit, but also because I know they'll be on the floor, playing with their toys on the coffee tables and God only knows what else. Because of that, I want all the areas clean for them. What's odd about cleaning before their visit, is that within 5 minutes, everything they brought from home is sitting around and the tubs of toys that we keep for each of them here is dumped out on the floor, spread from room to room. Someone could walk in and it'd look like I never cleaned. How does my daughter and other moms do it??? I only had one child and thought that kept me busy enough. I think what I've learned through having grandkids is that you can't get too stuck on things being orderly. The time with the kids is what's important, not how the place looks. Anyway, though it didn't look like it long, I am still glad I cleaned before Isabel (9), Gage (4) and Caelan (4) came. I guess that's what it's all about...me doing what I think is right before their visit, and then enjoying them while they're here.

During the 4 days that the grandkids were here, it seemed like I was constantly picking up, cooking meals, serving snacks and washing dishes. I didn't worry too much about all the toys being on the floor, though I did keep telling the the kids to move them out of the walking path for safety's sake; and I played and read with the kids too, so it wasn't all work. That's where the special memories are, though the most painful ones...meaning getting down on the floor with them is much harder than it used to be. :-) All 3 kids slept in a bedroom with me too...well I should say me and 3 dogs...so that was an adventure in itself. My husband was smart and slept in another room...he got some sleep! :-)

Though the fibro pain is worse now and I'm more tired than before my grandkids came over, I never regret the time I had with them. I am enjoying the quietness of today though, while thanking God for bringing those wonderful children into my life. :-)

Happy New Year!

Wow! Another year gone. It's a time when a lot of people make New Year resolutions.  I remember back in the old days when I made New Year goals...at least a part of the time, I could meet them. Now, I rarely accomplish any goals. What's up with that??? When you're young, or at least when I was, I had more confidence. It's now when I'm 50+ (OK...closer to 60), when I could really use the extra boost of confidence that meeting a goal would bring.

Now, making New Year goals seems like a setup to fail. What I do instead is set small goals throughout the year as I need to and what I see as life or relationship improvements. Losing weight is a current goal. I, at times, will have small successes in this area only to gain my successes back later...the reason why this remains an ongoing goal. :-)

I've recently accomplished a small goal of getting away from daily eating of straight sugar (i.e., twizzlers, marshmallows, and gummy bears), which we all know isn't good for you when trying to lose weight (or anytime really). Instead, my husband shared a snack with me which has more substance than candy and I've come to love it. Maybe you've had it before...Nutella. It's similar to peanut butter, though a hazelnut spread with cocoa in it. How can you beat that combination??? And nuts are good for you! The problem is, I've now become addicted to it. :-( Seems like I just switched addictions. So now I'm trying to keep my spoon out of the Nutella jar. I think I've gone 5 days now. Woo hoo! OK...some may laugh at such a small accomplishment; but in my world, 5 days is big! When trying to achieve a goal, it's all about 1 day at a time. Daily successes add up to weekly, monthly and then yearly successes. And whether it be only 1 or 320 successful days, I'm a success because I tried. You've probably heard the old saying, "Its only when you quit that you fail." So as long as I keep trying, I can be proud of whatever successes I have.

Right now my goals or life improvements include:
1.  Deepening my relationship with the Lord
2.  Not taking family and friends for granted
3.  Living in the moment...not looking too much in the future or past
4.  Getting healthier -
      manage fibro better, lose weight, exercise regularly, eat healthier
5.  Mailing birthday and other cards on time
6.  Oh yea...learning to eat Nutrella responsibly :-)

I've had most of the same goals for a while...well, not the Nutella one...but I think they're good ones to keep no matter where I'm at in reaching them. To succeed at anything though, I've learned that I need the Lord's help. My past has shown I don't do so well on my own.

I ask now that, if it's in His will, God help me reach my goals along with any you may have as well. I pray too for the Lord to bless you and your family in this next year.

Happy New Year!
Peggy