Good Friends are Family!

We had a wonderful evening with friends last night...friends that are really more like family.  Marty and I have known Len and Gloria for close to 30 years I think. They've been with us through good times and bad. There have been years when we relate more and others when we relate less, but always our friendship remains strong. I know that I can count on either of them if I need help in some way or just need to talk. I probably don't rely on them as much as I should. When you share your struggles with people you trust, those same burdens can feel lighter.

Last night Gloria made her homemade pizza. As usual, it was delicious. For dessert, we had her famous rum cake (famous in a wonderful way to all who have had it! :-) Gloria makes it most every New Year. Since this is the one time of year that she bakes this tasty cake, I'm truly thankful that we get to participate in the event. She really should bake this yummy dessert more often though. That way I could remind her on multiple occasions how good it is and build up her self-esteem. Of course, Gloria doesn't really need her self-esteem built. All of her cooking is good and she knows it. How could she not, she gets to eat it everyday! I'm just looking for an excuse to make this tradition happen more often. :-) Whether that happens or not though, Gloria did send us home with leftovers of her pizza and rum cake, so we had one more day to enjoy it! Mmmh!

After dinner with Len and Gloria, we each had questions to share. I love the questions. It's a way to get to know each other, and ourselves, better. The questions force you to think because they're usually not ones you've pondered before. One question Len asked was, "Who in your life are you most like?" What we learned through that question is that we make a sum total of All of those we care about. I am like each person that was in that room. Besides our personalities being alike in some way from the start, each has given and/or taught  me something that I grabbed onto to make me who I am today. We are ever-changing because of the people around us, and because of God in us, while still remaining unique. I like that.

A question Gloria asked was something like, "Name a Wow! God moment we had in the last year." Marty, Len and Gloria all had something to share. I couldn't think of a response. I don't think that's because there wasn't any Wow! God Moment in my life. I either didn't remember; or more likely than not, didn't notice it. I think God makes big moments in our life throughout the year...maybe even daily...but we're often too distracted to recognize them. I could blame my fibro fog or monkey mind, but I believe God is bigger than all I deal with. I think if we, if I, made a better effort, I could notice and remember these special moments. So one more thing I learned from my friends, is that I need to make a more concentrated effort so that I too can feel the joy of a Wow! moment in God. I just realized while writing this that last night was a Wow! God moment. Through everyone else sharing their own God experiences, I felt God's presence while also learning I needed to do more to recognize my own God moments. Wow! :-)

A third question asked was, "Where would you go if you only had $500 for a trip." Marty, Len and Gloria said they'd go see a parent. My parents are with the Lord, so I'm proud that my friends and husband recognize how valuable their own parents are while they're still alive. Since I don't have a mom or dad to visit, I'd go see my friend Karen in Oregon. She's a part of who I am too; and like Len and Gloria, more like family. 

I want to thank all of my close friends, Julee too, for being my extended family. My life wouldn't be as good without you. I thank the Lord too, for placing each of them in my life. No matter what I deal with in regard to my health, or emotionally, life is good because of God, my family, and my extended family of friends. I love you all!

Ugh! Pain Reigns!

Bronchitis is better, though not totally gone. Much better than it was though. Woo hoo!! Bad news though is the fibro pain is back. What's up with that??? Can't a girl get a break? I'd like a day when I'm not tired, not dealing with asthma or other respiratory problems; when I have no sinus issues; no pain of any kind, and my body overall is in good health. I want to feel joy, but it's difficult to feel happiness to that depth when you don't ever feel good. I don't forget though, and am thankful, that I don't have cancer, aids or other life-threatening or debilitating ailments. But does that mean I should feel guilty for wanting to have a few days of good health?  I do feel guilty though. Though I'm just trying to be open with my thoughts now, I feel at risk of being looked at as an ungrateful whiner. Maybe the problem is, I see myself that way. I grew up thinking I shouldn't complain, and still struggle within myself when I share negative thoughts. It makes me think I'm weak emotionally because I'm not quiet about my physical issues. It's hard to break free from that mindset, even when sharing how I feel in this blog.

To go on though...I had less than stellar sleep until around 1am last night. I tossed and turned a lot. By 3am, I couldn't sleep at all. No matter which way I turned, one or more areas of my body felt pain. I started out sleeping in my bed, then moved to the recliner, the sofa, and ultimately back to the recliner. I gave up on sleep totally around 4:30 this morning. With all that said, the fibro pain was not as bad as it's been at other times, so I can be thankful for that. I am still very tired though...not so thankful for that. :-)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I still have bronchitis, but wanted to take a few minutes to say Merry Christmas, and to also thank the Lord for sharing his son with us. Jesus' birth is the best reason we have to celebrate. Happy Birthday, Jesus!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy your family. Moments with them are the best part of the holidays. We don't know how long we have with those we love so treasure each memory! And if you're like me, missing people you love who are gone, take that love for them and give it to those still with you. A gift of love is something that is cheap and something we never regret. It blesses others in our life too.

As I miss my mom and dad today, I know they don't want me to cry...they want me happy, and the best way for me to feel joy is to stay in the moment...not looking forward and not looking back. Enjoying where I am, and who I'm with. So time to dry my tears and spread some love, and then feel the joy of Christmas.

Again, Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Peggy

I Feel Cruddy! 

It s been a rough few days. I've had a chest cold that has gotten worse each day. My husband has it too. I guess I'm the one that passed it to him since I showed symptoms first. I'm not sure who I can blame...not that blaming someone would make me feel better physically. It might perk me up mentally though. I then could rant inside saying, "How could you give me your cold!" I can't see myself getting mad at someone for this though...inside or out. It's just the way it is. Some people are just blessed with more crap...oops, did I say that out loud? I meant crud. :-)

Though I was joking with that last statement, it does at times feel like I have more health issues than others. I'm not whining when I say that...just sharing how it looks on certain days. I don't wish bad health, or any other kind issue on others; though I do sometimes wish I was like them...seemingly perfect specimens of health. The truth is though, I don't know what they are dealing with. It could be that those I judge as being totally healthy are dealing with much more, or worse issues. That's a reminder for me not to judge.

Just like I shouldn't judge others on their health issues, I don't want to be judged by mine either. Too many people will ask you how you feel but don't really care. When one lady heard I had kidney disease, she asked how I was doing. I responded that I was doing well, except for having a little trouble with asthma. Her response was, "Wow! You have a lot wrong with you!" I didn't need that reminder; plus, her words made me feel as if she saw me as pathetic. Another lady asked me how I was doing, and this time when I said I had a sinus infection but good otherwise, she replied, "I was just trying to make conversation." In other words, she didn't really care how I was doing, and I shared too much information. It feels like some people see you as weak overall when you aren't as physically healthy as them. I don't like to be thought of as weak. I doubt anyone does.

Because of those and similar responses, when asked how I'm doing, I usually just say, "I'm OK." That's my code for, "I'm dealing with the same crud as usual". I don't feel like I'm lying...just not telling everyone what it means. If they ask more I will respond truthfully, but usually they don't. When most people ask how you are, it seems more like a pleasantry than something they really want to know; though I have told the meaning of "OK" to those I care about. Just responding, "I'm OK," also helps me. It's a little depressing to continually hear my health issues out loud. Plus, it's better when I don't focus on them (though still deal with them medically as I should). Rather than dwell on how I feel, I try to distract myself. Writing this blog has helped tonight. Though I've coughed off and on throughout it, I've not thought much about the cold. I'm too busy ranting about it here! :-)

An additional truth of mine is that because of my health issues I, at times, see myself as pathetic; and when I share with others how I feel or what I'm dealing with, I feel whiny. That's probably why it so easy to think others view me that way too. Judging myself is no better than others judging me. Writing this blog in general was a way to make myself share the truth of how I feel or think at the risk of being looked at as pathetic or whiny. It's not easy for me to do this. What I hope though is that through this, I will learn to feel better about myself and not worry so much what others think. Though I do like myself for the most part, I need to like all of me. And if I judge myself for having health issues or being overweight, most likely, I judge others in the same way. I don't want to do that either.

So, my goal is to not judge me or others; and through that, learn to like myself more...even with all my ailments. I'm reminded too that even in the worst of times, God never gives me more than I can handle. Though I have this cold, I have no fibromyalgia or knee pain. That's something to be thankful for. :-) When it does feel like too much, I try to remember that God is with me. I'm never alone, and I can always tell him the truth with no risk of condemnation or judgment. He already knows all that I am and loves me unconditionally. I may feel cruddy, but I'm not crud! :-)

Time to grab another cough drop. Pray that I don't become addicted to them during this time. I've gone through a big bag today...maybe my brain is confused and think they're candy. :-

I look to you

Today of all days, we need the Lord. Twenty-eight people were tragically shot and killed a few hours ago. Most of these shootings were in a grade school in Connecticut. Twenty of those who died were children...many kindergartners. Many details are not known yet, but they believe it was a 24 year old young man who was the shooter. One of the adults killed was his mother. The killer is dead too. 

 It's all very sad. Sad that there was so much loss of life, sad that most of the lives taken were young children, sad for families who lost a loved one, sad that this young man's heart and soul was in such a dead place that he could commit such a murder, and sad that this kind of tragedy has become too common. If only more people looked to the Lord for help when they felt low, maybe less of this kind of tragedy would happen.

It wasn't my children shot, and I didn't know the adults who were killed, but I cried. I cried for the parents and the families who now have to deal with such a loss and for the lack of humanity shown today.  I can't wrap my heart around how one human being can so easily take the life of another. It happens so much in our world today. But in this one event, 26 lives were taken, including 20 innocent children. What has happened to our society? This is a reminder that we need the Lord more than ever in our lives. Without him, we are all lost.

I pray now that God be with the families affected by these killings, and that he heal their broken hearts. I pray too that he help the surviving children in this school, and their community, as they deal with the symptoms of trauma that follow. I ask also that the Lord make himself known to the hurting so that they will look to him for help and not feel alone. I look to the Lord for help as well. I don't know the depth of loss that these families feel, but my heart is hurting. I hurt for all of them. They are my family in God.

Lord, I do look to you during this time, and always, and pray that you will heal all of our hearts. Amen.

Monkey Mind

Lately I've struggled with knowing what to write...seems like my mind is blank, though I know it's not.  I have a lot of thoughts but they are disjointed, like they're bouncing all over the place. I can't seem to pull words together in a way which allows me to share my thoughts in an understandable way. I have monkey mind.

Wikipedia describes monkey mind as a Buddhist term meaning, "unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable". I don't know about being capricious, whimsical or fanciful, but unsettled, restless, inconstant, confused and indecisive fit on most days. Uncontrollable works too when you're talking about my eating habits. :-)

It's very frustrating to have a lot of thoughts, but not complete thoughts. Sometimes my mind is on one subject, then it jumps to another, and then another. I go from one rabbit trail to the next and most times don't find my way back. This happens a lot when talking to others, but I've learned to laugh about it. No point getting upset...that'd just be one more thing for my brain to bounce around all day.

This is the 3rd blog I've started in the last couple of days...the other two I never finished. Even now, when trying to write about this, my mind is flitting around like a butterfly on steroids. It seems to take forever to put a complete paragraph together in a way that is readable. I can't focus.

I read that people with fibromyalgia have minds that never shut down. It's called "monkey chatter." I know my brain is like that. I think that's partly why I don't sleep much; and then when I do sleep, it's a lighter sleep. When I wake up from sleeping, my mind is already racing...almost like it never stopped.

Mindfulness a form of deep relaxation that involves focusing on being "in the moment." It's said that if you relax in this way it will help you stop the mental chatter. This can be done by listening to music and/or focusing completely on your surroundings, while enjoying where you are and how you feel internally at that very moment. This requires a mental discipline that I struggle to find. 

Though it isn't easy for me, I need to at least try to practice mindfulness. It would hopefully help my monkey mind with it's endless chatter and also allow me to focus on, and appreciate better, this life God has given me. I don't think I can truly be grateful for all I have in the Lord when my nonsensical thoughts are jumping all over the place.

Time to end this monkey mind and apply mindfulness. We'll see how I do. Pray for me. :-) 

Thank you, Jesus

I helped with communion at church today. Because of all Jesus has given to us, most importantly his life, it was an honor to serve in this remembrance of him. It reminded me of how blessed I truly am.

Thank you, Jesus, for the blood you shed on the cross so that I and other believers could live, and for the blessing I received today in this opportunity to serve and remember you. 

It doesn't have to be just communion when I show my remembrance and thanks to Jesus. I believe the biggest thank you I can give is through my every day actions. I can be a blessing to God, and others, by daily living my life for the Lord.

Tomorrow, I watch my grandkids. I pray I'll be a good example to them...the kind of example that the Lord would want me to be. It's near Christmas, and I don't want my little loved ones to grow up only knowing Santa Claus and what he gives one time a year. I want them to know Jesus, and the gift he's already given us, and how he will bless us daily if we allow him into our heart.

Lord, help me live my life in a way that when others are around, it is not me that they see, but you in me. Help me to also share about you, and remind others that Christmas isn't about Santa Claus and things we will get, but a celebration of your son, Jesus Christ's birth. Amen.

Integrity

While taking my dog, Daisy, for a walk, I was bothered again by how many pet owners choose to leave their dog's poo. Our trek is usually a half-mile around a park across from my home. There is a playground for kids, and in warmer months, soccer is a weekly event. How can people choose to leave their dog's poo where kids play and there are big family events??? They do though. And it's done daily. Though this park is somewhat of a toilet for our pets, there's no mechanism to automatically flush it...you must take a bag with you and pick it up!!! Geez! Does there need to be training for this?!!

I believe when people choose to leave their dog's poo in a park, they are showing a lack of integrity. I looked up the definition of integrity and these are its synonyms: Character, decency, goodness, honesty, morality, probity, rectitude, righteousness, rightness, uprightness, virtue and virtuousness. When someone leaves their dog's poo, I can't use any of these words to describe them...at least not then. Some of these people even do it in front of others, not caring if they're seen. It's like they think there's nothing wrong with what they do, though signs in the park tell them differently. I don't know what to say about their lack of care, except that it aggravates me even more.

I, on the other hand, have multiple bags with me to be sure I can pick up after my pets. While on our walk, I don't let them use people's main yard for their toilet; and whether near a sidewalk or at the park, I always clean up their poo. I'm not a perfect person, but I strive to be respectful and a person of integrity. When others don't pick up their dog's poo, I can't help but wonder about their decency. Is it just this one area where they are lacking, or is their life weak in other areas too?

When I saw all the poo left today, and noticed I was alone and could not be seen, I was aggravated enough to think, since no one else cares, maybe I should leave my dog's poo too. It was really cold out and it'd be easier on my achy knees if I was not to bend to pick it up...instead just leave. I couldn't do it though. No matter whether anyone else could or could not see, I was reminded that just because others do wrong, that's no excuse for me. If you aren't respectful enough of others to pickup your pet's poo, it will ultimately show in your life in other ways too. I think one reason why I, for the most part, like me, is because I do try to care for, and show respect to, others...even when my actions are only seen by God and me.

Enough talk about poo though...time for another walk with my dogs, and the practice of living in integrity.

Bring Hostess Back!

My head felt as cloudy as the sky. It was my day to watch the grandkids though, so I couldn't hide. Much coffee would be needed to clear this mind. After consuming more than half-a-pot, I got into my car. I then saw the gas tank was almost empty, just like me. Now on the drive to the grandkids, I'd need to make a stop. Maybe I'd also get a bite to eat...a little something, something to make my energy pop.

After filling the car's tank, I checked the rations at the station, looking for a Hostess snack to fill my unique nutritional needs. When I saw what was available though, my heart sank. I needed food with substance...candy would not do. As I stood in front of half-empty shelves though, and remembered the Hostess situation, I began to feel blue.

I saw lots of chips and nuts, and Little Debbie cakes. There were also off-brands I'd never seen before in my Hostess product's space. I was at a loss as to what to buy. I needed a Ding Dong...other snack cakes I was not ready to try! Just one step away from being called plastic, you can't beat the inside of a Ho Ho to fill your need. And if plastic can hold up for years in a land fill, just think how long a Twinkie would stay in my belly and then how happy I'd be.

What was that union thinking when having Hostess workers go on strike, ultimately taking from us elements that could make you feel so right! I walked out of that gas station buying not a thing. I knew only a Hostess snack cake could fix me and get me through till night. None could supplement my physical and mental needs...at least not the way a Ding Dong, Ho Ho or Twinkie might! I need Hostess snack cakes, so someone be a good elf. Invest the money needed to mass produce their recipe and get them back on the shelf.

OK...life really isn't that bad even without Hostess snack cakes; and even when with the grandkids, my own energy will do. But why suffer without if someone can make this world a better place and fill my Hostess need. Plus, you know the old saying, "why settle for less, when we can have more?!" Of course that kind of thinking could be why I have a weight problem and sugar coming out my pores! :-)

Age is Just a Number

I had an appointment with the physical therapist today. While checking in, the receptionist and I had a nice chat. She was from Alabama and me from Texas, so we shared our thoughts on living in the winter freeze of Illinois. In the midst of our conversation, this nice woman talked about a young lady she knew who avoided the cold because of owning two homes...one in a warmer state and the other in our cold state of Illinois. The receptionist stressed that this woman was very young, not even close to our age. An image came to mind of someone in her 20's or 30's, till the receptionist added, "She's only in her 50's, though maybe a little more." As I remembered her saying how she was not even close to our age, I thought, "I'm in my 50's too...how old do I look...84???!!  That old woman (I say that with a smile) hurt me to my inner core (not really). Nothing like pumping a girl up mentally before the physical therapist beats her down physically. ;-)

There are many days when I do look older than I actually am. Obviously today was one of them! But on days like this, when I'm looking my, or someone else's, age, I try to laugh; and then hope tomorrow, I'll only look 24. :-) I sometimes look older because I'm not in a good place mentally...feeling down. On other days, it might be because I didn't take great care in presenting how I look, I dressed too down. Either way, I have to remember that no matter what age I look, or what age I actually am, it's only a number. It doesn't define what's inside of me or who I am.

Right now, my body says I'm sixty, but mentally it feels as if it's only 35 years that I've been around. That could just mean I don't act my age, and that's true a lot when no one else can be found. :-) In the end though, age doesn't really matter. What's important is how I, and God, feels about what's inside me. God in me is something age can't steal.

Fibro Funk

I've been in a funk today with no ambition or drive. I tried to pull myself out of it, but still remain in that same mental state of mind. And though I used funk to describe where I am mentally, I wasn't really sure of it's meaning till I googled the word, funk, to see how it was defined:


Funk
1. cowering fear; state of great fright or terror
2. dejected, moody
3. music genre that originated in the the mid-late 1960s

I don't think fear defines me at the moment, so definition #2 probably best describes how I feel. Not sure if dejected fits me though, so googled it too to see what Webster would spill:

Dejected
1. depressed
2. downcast
3. lowered in rank and condition

I've not been lowered in rank, so I guess that means my funk comes from being moody and depressed. Not sure what would cause my mood to be down, but I suspect if I was to look for a culprit, fibromyagia would be found.

Too bad definition #3 isn't what I feel, because then I could dance to my funky music, instead of sitting here feeling like a leftover tater tot with no tummy to fill! :-)

Geez...if I don't quit writing I'll deal with more mental junk. Best if leave my mentality for another time and trust that tomorrow I will be done with this fibro funk.

Listen

I'm in a bit of a fog and my right knee is bothering me. I'm trying not to think about the pain and focus on other things. That's always been the 1st step in my relief strategy...to distract myself.  So I hope now to get lost in my writing; and once I'm done maybe, just maybe, the pain will be gone. We'll see how it goes.... :-)

My husband, Marty, and I had a great talk the other day as we drove to meet my stepfather and brother for a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant 55 miles away. We talked about listening. Marty would be sharing in a men's group the benefits of being an active listener. As a way to show how a wife can benefit from good listening, he asked how him listening well benefitted me and our relationship. Our discussion made the trip enjoyable; and by listening, we learned a little more about each other too. Listening does have it's value!

I believe we all want someone to listen to us. When my husband listens to me, I feel more loved. When he and others care enough to know how I think and feel, it reminds me that I am not going through life on my own. When not listened to, I feel devalued and alone. My husband wasn't always the best listener, but because he cared enough to make the effort to improve, our relationship became stronger and my love for him is deeper too.

My listening skills vary from day to day. I used to be better, but it's more difficult these days. I don't focus as well, probably due to lack of sleep and pain. I was told that when your brain deals with fatigue and pain, it can't focus as well on other things. I have to try harder now, but listening well is still worth the effort.  I don't want my husband, daughter, grandkids, and/or friends to feel unimportant or less than what they are to me. Issues with pain and lack of sleep do have an effect on me, but they aren't an excuse to not care. I need to give those I love, and anyone, the best I have at the moment; plus, there's so much we can learn from others. I can grow inside from what they share with me. So even if I only muddle through the fog enough to rate a 4 on that listening scale of 1 to 10, I can feel OK with myself if I gave my best...even if that best isn't what it used to be. And I believe those I care about will be OK with me too...just because I made the effort.

Writing did help me forget about the pain. Works every time...well most of the time anyway! Unfortunately, the pain is still there...time to look for a new distraction...maybe vacuuming, dusting, making the bed...OK, none of those sounds fun or like it'd be soothing to my knee. Maybe, I'll just have another cup of coffee and practice my listening skills as I watch TV. :-)
Peggy

 Post Black Friday

It's still Friday, but no longer black out and my shopping is done, at least for today. I was only gone a couple of hours and my stops included just Kohl's and the grocery store. I'm really not much of a shopper. I've never really enjoyed it much...plus, I'm out of money. Like a lot of people, I don't have much to spend this year. Thankfully though, I don't have a whole lot of presents to buy either and most are bought now.

My husband and I don't have a credit card. We agreed not to use them anymore about three years ago. Not having a credit card makes me think more about what to buy...what I can afford and still pay all my bills. It really comes down to what do I need vs what do I want. It's tough at times, but it's been good for us...for me especially, because I'm the one that does most of the shopping and takes care of our finances. I probably relied on the credit card the most. It's so easy to use them. It feels almost like you're not spending money, but then the credit card bill arrives and you realize how much you did spend. I was sometimes shocked by it, but then it's easy to nickel and dime it...meaning put small things on the card until it's a bigger bill than you expected and can truly afford. And if you have more than one credit card like we did...Ugh!!! I'm glad that we are out of that monthly cycle and now without any credit card debt.

When big problems come up, like auto issues, it is scary to not have a credit card, but it's forces us put our trust in the Lord. So far He's helped us through the tough times, and I know He will again in the future. With that said though, we still have to handle our finances wisely and try to save money so that we do have a back up when needed. Saving can be difficult though. Seems like every time we get a little bit in the bank, something comes up and the money is again gone. I guess that's what it was there for though, but I'd really like to have a big enough savings that it doesn't get used up every time something special comes up. When that happens, it puts up back in the scary place of possibly no backup when the next trouble arrives. But that's when we again need to put our faith in the Lord, knowing He will provide for us as always. He is our true backup.

So instead of using a credit card and then monthly giving our extra money in interest to others, we are in the cycle of trying to spend wisely as we build a savings and then trusting the Lord to help us when that money is gone. And right now that money is gone, so my shopping is too. :-)

Though Black Friday is over for me, yours may have just begun. Whether you're shopping, back at work, or busy doing something else, I hope you have a wonderful day, and that you too are trusting in the Lord to help you when times are tough. He is there for all of us!

As for me, I'm putting my pajamas back on...it's 8am and time for my nap! :-)
Peggy

Black Friday

I didn't plan on going to the after Thanksgivings sales, but then I woke up 3:00am, thinking "what am I going to do now?". Then it hit me, I can shop! Woo Hoo! There is one day a year that is made for insomniacs!!!!

I figured I'd better make some plans...think about who to Christmas shop for, and then check out the sale ads before I left. As I sat here looking through the Kohl's ads, I thought about the name, 'Black Friday', and it hit me why it was called that. It's pitch black outside!!! Isn't it amazing how well you can think in the middle of the night, or what can pop into your head out of nowhere??! I'd never thought about that before. Geez...and I've been hard on my brain! I've got a super brain! OK, maybe not super, but at least it's got some thoughts! Sometimes, it doesn't seem like it. :-)

You may think it's no big deal to come to some little realization like why 'Black Friday' is called 'Black Friday'; but in my world anytime it feels like my brain is clicking, it's a big thing.  Fibromyalgia affects your memory and focus, and the constant fatigue from not enough sleep makes it worse. I struggle with what's called 'fibro fog'. Because of that, it's easy to get excited over what might seem small or silly to some. When I feel like my brain works on all, or at least more, cylinders it makes me happy...especially when it's at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning! It's the start of a good day!

Enough chit chat...it's time to guzzle the rest of my coffee and head to Kohls!

Hope you have a great Black Friday (even if it's no longer black out when you wake up :-)!
Peggy

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is a wonderful day that includes good food, family, and a special opportunity to focus on being thankful. Though I am grateful for all my family and friends, I want to take the time to recognize my mom and dad who are with the Lord now. I thank them for all they were to me in my life. They weren't perfect people, but they were perfect parents for me.

Mom was a single parent most of my young life and at times worked three jobs so my brothers and I could eat. She had very little help and life for her was an uphill climb. No matter the difficulty though, Mom got through it. She was a fighter and my inner strength came from watching her survive.  Mom was there for me when I was a mother too. She offered money, gave me food, and loved my daughter the way she loved me, standing by me as I tried to mature as a parent. It was because of the strength my mother developed in me that I felt strong enough to walk away from my first husband when he abused me. I had no money and didn't know at the time where I'd live, but I knew I'd be OK.

I was like Mom in a lot of ways too...some good, some not so good. Because of that, we at times battled. Our bond was always stronger afterwards though. Ultimately, we were for each other. I knew she would fight for me, and she knew I would do the same for her. In one of our battles, Mom said, 'you're bulldogging me'. I laughed out loud...partly because I'd not heard that expression since leaving Texas, and partly because I knew my bulldog tendencies came from her.  :-) I say that with love and pride for my mother. I was proud that she was a bulldog, and that I was her bulldog. I'm grateful that God gave me a mother who loved me greatly and throughout my life was one of my biggest defenders.

Our country is blessed. We are free, thanks to men and women who fight for our freedom. My Dad was one of those men. He served two terms in World War II, risking his life for our country. He never talked much about the war, but I knew from what Mom said, and shows I've seen about the war, that it was a very difficult time. He fought on ground in both Japan and the Philippines, so I can only imagine the ugliness he had to experience. He was an example of courage then and throughout my life. I'm proud that he was willing to give his life for our country, and blessed that he survived to be my Dad. 

Dad was also the most giving person I knew. He never had much, but would give all he had to someone else in need. Even in his 70's, each Thanksgiving day, a big turkey would be roasted and Dad would plate turkey and sides to give friends and neighbors who were alone or without food. One Thanksgiving, Dad saw a homeless woman going through his garbage. He told her not eat garbage...to come inside and eat dinner with my stepmom and him. After this young woman finished eating, my father handed her a little money and then told her not to eat from garbage cans again...when she was hungry, she could eat with them. He even gave her their phone number. She called and ate there on a numerous occasions. Soon too, she got her life together and joined the Marines. Dad didn't talk about what he did for others. I only learned about this woman when she came to his funeral and gave credit to Dad for her life turning around. She said it was because he cared enough to feed her that one Thanksgiving night. She was one of many who shared a story of how Dad had helped them in one way or another. Through watching my father's life, I learned that it doesn't matter how little or how much you have in life, you always have enough to help someone in need. He was a wonderful father to me too. No matter what I went through, he was there for me. He didn't care if I was in the right or wrong. He would only ask if I had a need. His love for me was unconditional.

Thank you Mom and Dad for being all that you were for me. Thank you for your love and working so hard to help me through life. With you both gone, life seems harder, but because of the courage and strength you instilled in me, I too will survive.  I'm thankful that you are with the Lord now, and I look forward the time when I will see you again.

Thank you, Lord, for my parents, family and friends. Thank you too for all the ways you bless me. Help me continue to be thankful for this gift of life and for all the other blessings within it. Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you too!

Peggy

Sugar. Who needs it. I do!

I have developed sugaritis. Sugaritis is an obsessive desire for sugar (though I don't think sugaritis is a real word). It's not just cakes, pies, chocolates or chocolate covered candies that I desire, though any of them will do in a pinch. :-) What I want is pure unadulterated sugar though preferably flavored, puffed, powdered, and/or spun. Give me marshmallows, cotton candy, candy corn, jelly beans, Dots, gummy bears and/or Twizzlers, and I'm a happy girl!

Though having sugaritis isn't good, sugar itself isn't necessarily bad. The body needs it to function. Carbohydrates are one of three necessary macronutrients that provide calories for our body. The other two are protein and fat. Carbs, or sugar, provide most of the energy needed for our body to function in life and are considered simple or complex based upon their chemical structure. Both types contain four calories per gram and are digested in the bloodstream as glucose, or monosaccharide sugar. It is then used to fuel our body for our daily activity and exercise. 

Complex carbohydrates are packed with fiber, vitamins and minerals, and take longer to digest.  Examples of these are vegetables, whole grain breads, brown rice, and wheat pasta. Simple sugars are broken down and digested very quickly and usually contain very few essential vitamins and minerals. A few of these are table sugar, fruit juice, milk, yogurt, brown sugar, ice cream and the cakes and candy that I love. 

The simple sugars I eat digest quickly and rush into the bloodstream, giving me a quick burst of energy. I love that! Unfortunately though, my body then reacts to that spike and calls on the pancreas to produce extra insulin to remove this excess sugar. I then feel tired because of low blood sugar and crave more of these simple sugars. This is the sugar-craving cycle that I call sugaritis.

It was three days ago when I first recognized I had sugaritis. They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, so I'm on my way! Since that admission to myself, I contemplated the next step needed to end my sugar addiction. Though in the last couple of days I gave much thought to how I could reach this goal on my own, it was only after eating almost a half-bag of marshmallows, 16 oz. of candied fruit slices, and 2 pieces of chocolate cake that I knew I needed God's help to win this battle with sugaritis.

Lord, help me curb my desire for sugar and to eat better overall. I also ask that you help me be OK with myself when I struggle in these goals and don't do as well as I'd like. Though I may have temporary failures, I know in you, I am never a failure. Thank you for your faithfulness. Amen.

What a blessing to have the Lord to turn to for all of our issues. Makes me want to celebrate by eating a sleeve of Smartie candies, though I'll limit it to just one, or maybe two. :-)

Take care,
Peggy

Be Thankful

Though Thanksgiving is still a few days away, I'm reminded to be thankful today...and every day.

At times I focus on the negatives and let the sorrow of those drown out the positives. I forget that though I lost both my mom and dad, I had many years with them. Some lose their parents when they are but children. I was in my 50's before mine passed.  I forget that Mom and Dad had also accepted Jesus Christ into their life, so they are now in a better place. I forget too that because I also accepted the Lord as my Savior, I get to be with my parents again. In just this one area of my life, I  have much to be thankful for.

Sometimes I feel weighed down from health issues, but I need to remind myself that many people deal with much more. I have fibromyalgia, but I don't have lupus or MS. I sometimes struggle to breathe because of asthma, but I don't have emphysema. I have osteoarthritis in my knees; but thankfully, I can walk! I know it's OK at times to be emotionally affected by what I go through, but I shouldn't stay in that place too long. I need to remember, and focus on, the positive aspects of my life...what I have to be thankful for; otherwise, I may drown in a a sea of self-pity. And how will that help me???

Most important, I need to be thankful daily that Jesus died on the cross for me. He gave up his life so that I could live forever. 

John 3:16 (NIV)

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

I could make a long list of the blessings in my life, but I'll mention just one more. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I looked out back and saw two white-tail bunnies not 10 feet away. This might seem insignificant, but it wasn't to me. I watched the rabbits as they laid there and then as they hopped away. It all brought a smile to my heart.  It was a reminder of God's care for each of us. He knows us inside and out. He knew my love for animals and how seeing those bunnies would bring me joy. 

Thank you, Lord, for finding a way to bless me even during my insomnia. I am grateful for all you've brought into my life. Help me continue to focus on the positive, not the negative, and to look to You when I am struggling. I know you are always with me...I need never feel alone. I am thankful for You. Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving Week! 

Peggy

Running in the Night

All power had been shut off and now only a few stars lit the sky. With the tall buildings blocking that light, I ran in complete darkness. The marching of the militia had become louder. I could hear their boots shuffle quickly against the gravel and rifles were being fired nearby. They had to be just around the corner so I darted into the building next to me. I climbed the steps and at the top to the right, I saw a family with small children and a dog. They were trying to hide. We looked at each other but nothing was said by any of us. I could see the fear in their eyes...it was the same fear I felt. It hurt my heart that they must live, and possibly die, this way. I turned around though and continued to run to another part of the building. Seeing no real place to hide, I peeked outside from another door. The marching seemed distant so I was safe for now. I had to get home.

Fatigue swept over me but I knew the militia was never far away. There were too many of them and they'd taken over the city. I had to keep running. I turned into an alley, staying close to the buildings hoping their shadows would hide me. I heard steps again. I dropped into what seemed like a deep window well, not knowing if I'd be able to climb back out in the dark of  night. Falling as I hit the bottom, I feared I'd made too much noise and alerted others to where I was. Whoever was walking above passed though so again, I was OK for the moment. The well I was in was deeper than I'd expected, but there seemed to be holes where I could place my feet and enough to hang onto as I made my way back up the wall. Once at the top I had to get my bearings again. My body wanted to give out but I knew I had to keep going. It wasn't just about me.

As I continued my trek, it remained quiet except for gun fire in the background and an occasional blast that would light up the sky helping me to find my way back. I could see the building now. My right leg limped as I struggled down that last block, but finally I was safe. I opened the door and stepped into an area of the house that had previously served as a kitchen to everyone. My room was in the latter part of the complex. Before I had time to make my way back to it I heard shuffling in a nearby room. Someone was near. I had to hide. I darted behind a cabinet but knew I wasn't well hid. There wasn't time to find another spot though. I couldn't see anything, but heard the squeak of the kitchen door opening wider. My eyes closed in defeat. It was over. I had been found. I opened my eyes to accept my fate, only to look down and see my little Yorkie, Peanut, at my feet. I cried as I held her. I'd somehow found my way back to her and she was OK.

And then I woke up....

So much for sleep. When I do manage to get into a deep one, nightmares go with me. Though fear was prevalent in this dream, at least it had a happy ending. Now I'll try sleeping again and hope my dreams will be about ice cream and chocolate cake...or it will be as usual, and I won't dream at all. No dreams are better than bad dreams. :-)

Peggy

Sleep

I wonder what it's like to sleep well night after night. It's close to 2am and I still can't sleep. I've dealt with insomnia most of my life for one reason or another. As a child, it was due to severe asthma. Tonight my sleeplessness is due to the fibromyalgia and pain in both knees.  Recently it was discovered that I have osteoarthritis. The good news is that the orthopedic doctor gave me a steroid shot in both knees, so they should feel better in a couple days. Now if I could get rid of the fibro pain....

I think insomnia causes or worsens issues in my life. When I don't sleep the fibro pain is acerbated, and then that causes me not to sleep. Ultimately causing my chronic fatigue. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to find a way out of. Exercise helps the fibro, but it can also cause more pain. I have to be careful to exercise every day, but not to exercise too much; and with being so tired all the time, I struggle to stay motivated to do anything. The lack of sleep and pain also cause depression, making the grief over losing both my parents a few years back linger.

Not sleeping well has also affected my memory. Though we all struggle with memory issues as we age, my memory problems became more of a concern, so much that my doctor ordered a brain scan done. I'm happy to say though, that she was pleasantly surprised to see that I do have a brain. :-) All was well with it too, so the doctor believes again that my worsening memory issues are due to my poor sleep habits and the chronic pain. That's a good thing...I guess. 

It seems almost daily lately I hear or read some news report that not sleeping enough can end your life earlier. How depressing is that??!!! Makes me so depressed I just want to sleep. But I can't!!!!

So anyway, what is is like to have a deep sleep every night? Are you in complete darkness, not remembering anything when you awaken? Do you have good dreams? I don't dream much...maybe because I don't sleep much and it's not usually a deep sleep when I do. Do mysterious beings clean your house while you're asleep. Maybe I never had any fairies or elves clean mine during the night because I never slept long enough for them to steal into my kitchen and wash my dishes without me knowing it. I wish I could tell them somehow that it's OK to do it while I'm awake! :-)

Anyway, it's good that the Lord got me back to this blog so that I had something to do while I was awake. I just finished reading my 70th book in the 2012 year...my goal was 50. I need another midnight hobby. Any ideas? 

I'll stop for now. It's 3am now and in just 2 more hours I will allow myself to make coffee. Woo hoo!!! I make myself wait till 5am just in case I can fall asleep before then. One of my sleep or sleeplessness rules. I may be falling apart everywhere else, but I do maintain my standards! :-)

I hope you had a great sleep. I'm going to lie back down and see if I can get some of that sleep I hear so much about.  

Pleasant Dreams!

Peggy

Writing and Fear

It's been a long while since I've written in the blog. I went through some down time, meaning I felt down for different reasons. I also was afraid to write...afraid I'd be too depressing. Afraid no one would really want to hear what I had to say. Afraid my writing wouldn't be good enough. I allowed fear to control me. With God's nudging and my husband, Marty's, encouragement though I've decided, at least for the moment, to get past my fear and write in the blog again.

It's odd how God will use small things to place His thoughts on our heart. I was taking items from the family room to their rightful place when I saw a spiral notebook I'd set aside months ago to use for journaling. I'd not written one word in it. I thought then about my writing, or lack thereof, as I brought the tablet to my office. As I do almost daily, I felt on my heart how I wanted to write again. I never really do anything about it though. Part of me knows that sharing what's on my heart will help me get through life and possibly help others, and yet a bigger part of me seems to stay afraid of what others will think of my writing and thoughts. I live too much in fear when it comes to sharing myself. That's probably why I have so few close friends. Even with recognizing that, I shoved the notebook into the back of my desk and walked away. When I did that, I believe I again ignored God's nudge for me to write.

After I settled back into my recliner in the family room, Marty turned the volume down on the TV and turned to me. He proceeded to say that while I was doing other things, he'd re-read what I'd previously wrote in my blog. He said that my writing and thoughts had again blessed him, adding that the way I share my heart is a gift and that God could use what I write to bless others. Marty asked that I give blogging another chance. I shared with him how God had spoke to me also and that I would try to write in the blog again tomorrow. We went back to focusing on the TV then, but I didn't sit in my chair long before I felt God tell me not to procrastinate, that tonight was a good time write. This time I listened to Him, and here I am...writing.

Because of who I am in God, there is no reason to be afraid for others to see me, whether that be in my weakness or strength. The Lord loves me, and each one of us, just as we are and He doesn't want any of us to live in fear.  I pray that God will continue to help me face this fear.

Thank you, Lord, for your consistency in my life. Thank you too for using Marty to help me do what you've been nudging me to do all along. Continue to help me, and any others who struggle with some kind of fear to get past the hold it has on them. Help us look to you for our courage and strength. Amen.

I already feel lighter from sharing this, and it feels good to write again.

Peggy :-)

Relax and Write or Write to Relax

It's been almost 3 weeks since I last wrote. So much for trying to do this on a daily basis, or even weekly! Life seems to get in the way of my plans at times, or at least I let it. I can't seem to make myself relax long enough to sit down and put words on piece of paper (or the screen). I do have a good excuse for not writing yesterday though....

After an unrestful night of worry, Marty and I drove 2 1/2 hours yesterday to a hospital in Bloomington, IL to see my stepdad of 30+ years, Marion. He'd been hospitalized the night before. He was dealing with a severe intestinal infection, extreme dehydration, along with complications from diabetes. It was discovered later, that he'd had a minor heart attack during all this too. When we saw Marion, he wasn't doing great by any means, but his kidney function had gone up somewhat; and by the time we left that day, his blood pressure was in the normal range without meds. His heart still pumped too hard due to damage from the heart attack so medication was needed to help with this, but I was thankful for the improvements, even though they were small. I knew also that Marion was in the right place to get the help needed to continue to get better. Thanks to the wonderful care my stepfather was given, and God's help, I felt peace when I left the hospital that evening. I was somewhat confident that Marion would be back home soon, though still needing care and possibly dialysis. We never really know how long we have with anyone, so I felt blessed too to have had the time with Marion yesterday. Though it was a stressful 24 hours, by 8:30 last night, I was back home and ready to relax. Not five minutes after slipping into my comfy pajamas though,  the phone rang. 

It was my older brother, Sonny, who called. He lives 85 miles away. He quickly let me know that he wanted me to hear from him that a man had just put a shotgun in his face (not sure who would have told me otherwise). It'd happened outside a friend's house who had called him for help. My brother went not knowing what kind of help was needed, till Wes jumped into Sonny's car and told him to get him out of there. As he started to leave, a drunk man hit my brother's car with the butt of a shotgun and then put the gun in Sonny's face.  My brother suggested that 'crazy guy' let him drive Wes out of there (it was Wes who this man had an issue with). Curse words spilled out in response, so my brother knew to just step on the gas and leave. Unfortunately, gun shots followed them. At the end of our short 2 minute conversation my brother added, "The police are here and they're being shot at now, but Wes and I are in the house, so we're OK. Just didn't want you to worry. Bye." Geez...I'm glad he didn't want me to worry!!! How was I supposed to relax after that call???

It's a new day now and though my stepfather still has health issues, he's being released from critical care, meaning he's stable and able to move down the hall from ICU. I don't know how my brother was affected emotionally, but he was not hurt physically last night. The crazed man that stuck the gun in Sonny's face is now in jail. Things could have been much worse for Marion and Sonny, but they're both doing OK today. I'm thankful for God's mercies. And with writing about my day yesterday, I feel myself finally relax. Writing is good for me...why do I let life get in the way of it? :-)

Smile

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day. I had to be at the airport by 4am and say goodbye to a good friend. Because of the early flight, the night before I didn't take the meds that would help me sleep. I was afraid I'd be in a haze and not wake up in time. Because I didn't get much sleep though, the fibro fog set in anyway. It had enveloped my brain as I rode to the airport, making it difficult to focus. The pain throughout my body was worse too.

To make matters worse, it was the first day of United and Continental Airlines merging. Their new computer system had glitches, so it took longer to check in. I felt relief when making it to security and it was my turn for a body scan. You know my head is messed up when I find joy in that! :-) My inward smile faded when I was told they'd need to pat me down; though as any good Christian would, I smiled and said, OK. Whoo hoo, more fun! I did request a private room though. I wasn't inclined to show by belly to everyone going through the security line. A girl needs some privacy! Before the pat down, security asked if I had any pain. YES...EVERYWHERE! I have Fibromyalgia! Of course I didn't say it in that tone outwardly. I'm not sure why the question though, they pat you down all over anyway. Thankfully though, the patting didn't aggrivate the pain, and no bombs or chemical residue were found on me. I was released to go to my gate...only to wait an extra 40 minutes before the plane flew out because of the ongoing computer problems.

I was late into San Francisco, but thankfully I had a long layover so didn't need to rush. I had plenty of time to get a simple (not so good) breakfast of eggs, sausage and toast for a mere $13. You really do need to be rich to travel! After sitting, walking, standing, walking and sitting again so as to avoid any additional fibro pain, it was time to line up to the gate to fly out...only to find the United computer problem still unresolved. The new system didn't accept boarding passes printed before the merge...anyone who'd checked in early had to check in again. I didn't let that get to me, though there was quite a bit of grumbling in the crowd. After another 45 minute delay, I was seated on the plane. In less than 2 minutes I discovered I was sitting next to grumpy pants; and within another 5 minutes, my airline attendant showed her foul mood as well. It was a  long 4 1/2 hour flight before I finally arrived in Chicago; but thankfully, we arrived safely and I'd not been snippy with anyone. Fighting through the emotions and dealing with fatigue and pain all day had taken a toll on me though.

This trip reminded me that there are so many instances in life which can affect us negatively if we allow it. Whether we are aware of it or not, our brain and heart are constantly making choices on how to deal with situations and people. We can make our day worse or better by how we respond to them. I believe that each time we make a decision to smile in the face of adversity...or at least, not outwardly scream...we are choosing a better way. It's our choice to be happy...or not. I didn't necessarily spill out with joy during my day of traveling, but I didn't bite anyone's head off either. That makes me happy. :-)

What stands out the most on my trip home was a young girl's smile. As I walked down the airplane aisle, I felt this tug on my sleeve and turned to see this small girl looking up at me. Her eyes seemed to twinkle as she showed me her sweet smile, and that one moment made me forget about the pain and fatigue, and had more impact than all the negatives put together. I believe when we allow the good feelings, however few, to outweigh the bad, God smiles too. Makes me think I should smile a little more too, so that maybe I might make it a better day for someone else...just like that little girl did for me.

Friends

It's my last day in Oregon. I've had a great time with Karen...lots of fun memories. There's no one in my life that can make me laugh more, and I trust Karen implicitly. I am so thankful for her friendship.

When looking back at my life, I never really had any true friends throughout most of it. I moved a lot growing up, and it became easy to walk away from people. In school, and as a young adult, the friends I had never really knew me. They might share themselves with me, but I never gave any part of myself to them. In the end, I knew they weren't really friends, because they were OK with just knowing who I was on the surface. In most cases that was just a face I put on to hide myself. It wasn't even really me.

It wasn't till I was near 30 years old when I became friends with Karen. I didn't go into it expecting much. She was a girl that grew up in the church...her dad was a pastor. I was a girl who more or less grew up in a bar. Many in my family were alcoholics. What could Karen and I have in common? Nothing that I could see. I'm sure Karen felt the same. God saw something different though. He used our differences to help each other grow. Through time our friendship blossomed and now 25+ years later, she has become one of the best friends I will ever have, and I am a better person because of her. I will forever be thankful to the Lord for bringing Karen into my life.

Thank you, Karen, for being someone with whom I can laugh, cry or be outright goofy. I never worry about what you'll think of me no matter what my mood. Thanks too for the free room and board the last 10 days. I'm leaving rested and more able to take on the world, because of having a friend like you in it!

Fasting

I'm fasting today for good friends who are without jobs. I pray for them every time I think to, and then when I feel hunger or think of food, I pray again. I ask the Lord to bless Len & Gloria with work and the insurance they desperately need. I also pray that He give them the confidence to know that they do not walk this difficult path alone. Our God is with them every step of the way.

As I sat here feeling hunger pains earlier today, my mom came to mind again. It made me realize that during this time of fasting, I should pray again for God's help with my ongoing grief. I still can't think about my mother without crying. Tears fill my eyes as I write this. My dad died before Mom. I was very close to him too, but had a little preparation before his passing. He died from lung cancer after a two year battle. I was still struggling with losing him when Mom died a year later. Her death came without notice and I was totally unprepared for it. When she died something inside me broke. After a lifetime of being strong, in one blow I lost all my strength, both inner and outer. I collapsed into this darkness that enveloped my soul and was left with a void in my heart that no one could fill. Though on my own I scramble to find my way out of that hole I escaped into, I know that it's only God who can pull me through. So as I fast and pray for friends, I pray for me as well.

Praying for myself is something I don't do enough. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's a memory problem or maybe somewhere inside I don't feel deserving enough. It just seems easier to think about others' needs. It's been that way as far back as I can remember. I must remind myself though that I deserve the Lord's loving grace too. We all do. This road of life is too hard for anyone to drive through if not relying on God's support.

It doesn't have to be a fast when we look to God in prayer, but today I noticed that I went to the Lord more often with the needs of mine and those of my friends. Aside from the benefit of prayer, I believe this fasting time also brought me closer to the Lord. That void inside me doesn't seem so large and my soul feels a little brighter. I'm sure the loss of my mother and father will continue to have a grip on me, probably for a long time, but for now it's God's grip that I feel. I have His strength. Because of that, I see the importance of fasting, especially in the more difficult times.

Lord, I trust that you will answer my prayers...for my friends and me. I ask that along with jobs, you give Len & Gloria peace as they wait on you. I need that too. The pain of losing both parents still feels unbearable at times. At times I feel like an orphan, but when I pull myself closer to you, I know that I'm not. Mom and Dad will always be a part of me and some day I'll see them in Heaven. And I am your child now and forever, so never an orphan. Knowing that gives my heart joy. As you did today, Lord, continue to shine light into my soul so that I can shine your light onto others. I ask this in your son, Jesus' name. Amen.

Time to eat! :-)

Writing

Blogging is new to me so I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I'm going to try and share my thoughts.

My best bud, Karen, who helped me setup this page is planning to tell friends that my blog is out there for viewing. I'm not sure who would want to read what I have to write, but by Karen being my personal advertising campaign, it forces me to actually blog something. I guess I've been rattling on too much about how I want to write again, so she's trying to help me accomplish that goal...maybe even make me accountable to my so-called desires; though what's wrong with whining about something you want to do without ever really applying yourself to doing it??? I mean I have a number of excuses I can come up with for not putting my fingers on a keyboard or picking up a pen. Fibromyalgia is a big one. I deal with pain a lot, I'm always tired, and my head waffles in and out of this dense fog that affects my focus and memory, among other things. It's appropriately named fibro fog. When those excuses aren't enough, I can come up with more, like being busy. There's all kinds of things that fill up my day...eating, checking my email, washing dishes, letting the dogs out, retrieving the postal mail, and looking out the window to see if weather. com has predicted the correct weather for my area. The list is really endless!

OK...as you probably already know, most of those excuses are just excuses and not great reasons for putting off the writing that is in my heart to do. The real truth is, I have trouble sharing myself with others or even putting my thoughts onto a page that may not even be read. I'm an introvert at heart and grew up with trust issues, and then when my Mom died a few years ago, I dug myself into a deeper hole...it's how I survived. This last year, I've been trying to force myself out of my safety zone but it's still a scary place for me; and more often than not, I want to run back into my hole and hide. It's even scarier to put my inner self onto a written page. Writing this blog is a way to step outside myself; or as my husband, Marty, described it today, I'm stepping into a snowy pit of lions and facing my fear...the fear of being hurt, the fear of failure, the fear of facing the difficult losses in my life that seem too hard to bear, the fear of me not being enough in some way...the fear of fear.

So bear with me as I write, or don't write. It's a process that God, my husband, my family, and good friends like Karen are helping me through.

Fibro

I was laughing with my husband, Marty, last night about my memory issues, telling him he didn't know the hell I lived in...the hell of how my brain functions--or lack thereof. I told him that I should write a book about it. He said the reason there's no books out about that subject now is because others with fibromyalgia have the same problem as I do...they think about what they're going to do, and then before they can grab a pen or get to the computer, they forget their plan and have moved on to their next mindless thought. He knows me so well! :-)